Sekali Lagi

How is it possible for a person to break another person’s heart time and time again in a single relationship? Aku tahu and I did that a few days back. Well we were not in a relationship anymore but I still broke her heart.

Apa lagi kata-kata yang mampu menggambarkan kekesalan dalam hati kecuali “I am sorry”?

I am sorry for breaking your heart.

I am sorry for not being able to give back what you gave me.

I am sorry for being so weak.

I am sorry... Infinity.

Invictus

Life is hard when you have nothing left. Nothing left inside you and nothing left around you. When you have so much to give at the same time, nothing to give.


In the end life is not just hard, it is unconquerable.

I don't like doing this

but it is done.

We'll see what happens next. 

You know

I think people have forgotten about this space I have. Which actually gives me a little freedom to write whatever fuck I want.

Fuck that...

Fuck this...

Fuck them...

No I am not gonna end it with a “fuck you”.

Too old for a “fuck you” anyway...

.

I'm sorry...

Wish

You know what I wish I didn't do?

Delete all my previous blog posts when I was in love. It was stupid and I was one hell of a writer.

So...

Life is fucking me harder because I haven't fuck anyone for quite sometime.

Of course this is just a hypothesis. 

In all honesty

I am more angry than sad.

For everything that happened and maybe for everything that's going to happen.

So fuck everything. 

Beluga

You know, the salty taste of tears reminds me a lot of caviar.

And nothing beats a good bottle of Russian vodka to go with it...

Bebas

Aku pandang ke dalam mata...

Wait I can't remember the colour. Oh it's dark brown, let's try this again.

Aku pandang ke dalam mata coklat gelap yang selalunya bersinar untuk aku. Cuma malam ini, ada air mata mengalir di tubir mata itu.

"I did it so that you'll leave" sambil aku tunduk ke bawah dengan air mata perlahan-lahan jatuh. Dia menangis teresak-esak.

But she didn't, malam itu bertukar menjadi malam bahagia dan tiba-tiba saat-saat menyeksakan menjadi janji-janji kebahagiaan.

But as usual, I was weak, still am but hopefully wont forever be this way.

It didn't last so here I am. 

Le Coeur Ses Raisons

Untuk kebanyakkan perkara dalam hidup, I am a simple man. Mungkin aku sedikit cerewet tapi most of the time, I am simple.

Aku tak minta bulan dan bintang dalam hidup. Aku tak pernah minta pelangi dan taman bunga.

Aku cuma mahu... bahagia.

This is where things become complicated sebab dalam kebahagiaan ada ujian. Ujian yang mungkin kita akan lulus atau gagal.

Dan untuk kesekian kalinya, aku gagal mengharungi ujian kebahagiaan ini.

Setiap kali aku teringat akan kegagalan ini aku teringat muka seorang perempuan yang suka menyanyikan nursery rhymes secara random. She used to be my source of hope, my joy, the light in my life that is shrouded with darkness, my everything.

I can still remember the way she smiles when she sees me and I know that she still loves me.

But we were tested, it was one hell of a test dan dalam ujian ini... I chose to let go.

If only she knows how heavy this heart is, if only she knows how hard things are for me and...

If only she knows how sorry I am.

You are free now sayang, maybe one day you will understand.

Eye check

If anyone is here, I'd like to ask...

Tak sakit ke mata baca tulisan merah ni?

*Taps on Mic* Testing 1, 2, 3

Is anyone here at all? I know people are using a lot of other platforms like twitter. Aku tak boleh menunjukkan emotional nudity dekat tempat tu sebab manusia cepat keliru. Tapi di tempat ini aku selamat atau mungkin aku selamat.

Banyak benda terjadi sejak aku mula menulis pada tahun 2008. Aku tulis, aku padam, aku tulis dan aku padam.

Dosa aku yang paling besar pada diri sendiri is deleting all my blog post since 2008 because... Well because of that stupid love, tapi ini cerita untuk hari lain.

Dalam masa 11 tahun semenjak aku mula menulis, banyak benda dah terjadi. 11 fucking years and I am still here, trying to figure out what works best for me. Dalam masa 11 tahun tu aku ketawa, menangis, tanggung rasa berat di dada. My eyes sparkled with joy and soaked in tears, I have met my fate and became other people's fate.

Tapi tidak ada perkara yang lebih mengerikan daripada lupa cara untuk menulis disini.

Hi

So here I am again. Back to square one just the way I was around for years ago.

Ekspresi yang selalu digunakan anak-anak muda zaman sekarang; "fuck my life" right?