Tuesday, 5 August 2014

The Living Chapter

You held my hand tight. I still remember when we were on the couch, doing nothing. I enjoyed having you with me. Our fingers were interlocking like the emotional attachment we had. 

"Kenapa muka you sedih?", she asked me.

This happened when I was younger. 2008 to be exact. My life was a mess. I was in love with a girl who at that time was dying, literally. I was just a 19 year old boy who found the love that I need and it was about to be taken away from me. 

Aku jawab, "nothing, I am just enjoying my time with you". She smiled dan aku boleh lihat tiba-tiba air mata perlahan-lahan jatuh.

During that time, she had exactly 4 months to live due to a terminal cancer. Aku habiskan masa 9 bulan bersama-sama dia, to make her and myself happy. We both knew that this moment wont be for long so we made the best out of everything. Appreciate each other's presence, telling how much we love each other without fail.

"I have something to say", sambil dia mengesat air mata.

I nodded.

"When I am gone, can you please carry on with life and not be sad?"

It's 2014 now, I am over everything. I have moved on with life.

Cuma kadang-kadang aku duduk seorang diri dan terdetik dalam hati aku...

"Things wont be this way if you were here".

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Hubris

God - check

Faith - check

Now all I need is money.

Monday, 28 July 2014

The Philosophy of Death or Trying to be Dead

So as I said before, here I am writing.

Life within this few years has interesting. Like usual, a lot of hearts got broken in the process and now it is time to tell the stories.

Hidup ini adalah satu kitaran. Aku , berputar-putar dalam 3 peringkat hidup. Aesthetic, ethics and religion... Three stages of life that will either make you or fuck you up. And in these 3 stages, I have to admit that they don't stay as individual stages. In my life, there will always be crossovers between these 3. Macam Kierkegaard yang terputus daripada falsafah sendiri.

Dan dalam 3 peringkat hidup itu, aku mengaku yang aku perlukan satu benda. The ultimate desire of human being, the one that a person would kill for, "cinta".

Being torn between doing things right or doing the right thing as I grow older especially in relationships.

Constant polemics between desire and conscience in my self, my brain and my heart. Kalau dulu sewaktu aku muda, mungkin konsep cinta itu lain. The formula is straight forward really.

I'll fuck you first and then see whether I can love you later.

But this invited a lot of problems in to my life. Problems that I in time, grow tired to deal with and in most cases, it is most certain that hearts will get broken. Hancur menjadi debu dan aku sebagai lelaki, benci bila benda ini berlaku.

And now, I am older. I put more thoughts in whatever I do in life and the formula changes.

I will love you first and fuck you later... Maybe when we are married.

But this is proven to be harder than the former for love is hard to come by.

Jadi aku simpulkan dalam ayat yang mudah...

If you can't love me properly, at least fuck me properly.

Seems legit no?

Saturday, 12 July 2014

Hi

Aku balik ke petak pertama. Not something that I fancy but hey, here I am.

Kita mulakan dengan Kafka...

Ok?

Come here








Let me fuck your mind...