Tuesday, 19 May 2015


"You know one of these days, you are going to find someone who you'd love so much that you are willing to give up everything in life, more than what you are doing for me. Because that is you, you never love anyone the same way and you never settle for less. You never give anyone anything less than what that person actually deserves". 

These were her words to me and I still remember it even after years of being without her. 

It's amazing for someone to know so much about you in just months, in the midst of all the commotion that we had gone through a person managed to remember a lot of things about you. It was funny how I can do the same and it became a habit or a curse however you wish to see it.

It was a tough situation for a 19 year old boy who'd be sitting for his final exam soon at the same time taking time off school for 3 months to try to make up for lost time with the girl who he loves dearly.

But then again that's my past. Something that I have left behind years ago.

It's just that the memories that I still have with me are so beautiful that they never fail to tempt me to immortalize them here.

Now, let's just wait...

Friday, 1 May 2015


Seorang kawan kata, I have to move on. It has been 7 years and I should leave her alone, she is in a better place and stuff.

You see, I have moved on. Aku terima apa yg berlaku as fated. 

Satu benda yang tak semua orang faham, I love writing about her, about us. About how she was with me during her final moments in life. The memories give me a mixture of happines and emotional atmosphere and I like it. Aku suka sebab dalam setiap bait-bait ayat itu ada dia, she is in every single letters, she is even in one single dot of ink if I was writing using a pen.

Trust me, I have moved on. She is no longer in my life. 

And I'm going to immortalise her in my writing... 

At least until I'm ready to let go of the memories.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015


It was raining and I was hugging her on the couch waiting for her to fall asleep. More like waiting for the medication she took to kick in so she can sleep peacefully.

Tiba-tiba dia mengeluh. A short sigh from her can ruin my day for I know there must be something bothering her mind.

See my love with her was short. It was less than a year before... Well let's save it for later. 

Aku usap lembut rambut dia and her mother looked at us and smiled. I smiled back. It was amazing how her parents were being such a good sport by letting myself and her to be together at home. So I can take care of her every need and calm her emotion.

Aku tanya:

"What's the matter? Tell me what's on your mind".

You know the usual answer would be "nothing". Her "nothing" isn't really "nothing". 

And tears ran down her cheeks, touching a fraction of my arms that was holding her. There were a lot of tears in this particular relationship. After she went away, took me quite a while to get back all the tears and really cry for a girl. 

I kept on stroking her hair and kissed the back of her head. 

"Why are you crying? I'm here just like you always wanted".

She cried lounder and asked me:

"What will become of you when I'm gone?".

And I was clueless... No word can answer that for I don't know what will become of me when she really is gone.

Well she was on the brink of death. Genetic lung cancer, she was studying abroad when the doctor diagnosed her condition. 

It's amazing how someone can be your happiness and sorrow at the same time. Seeing her suffering breaks my heart. Seperti hari-hari aku memanjat bukit Sisyphus. 

She fell asleep and I didn't give the answer to the question. Now, I am still myself, with a big piece of myself missing and still looking for a suitable piece to replace it.

Rest in peace, sayang... 

Tuesday, 21 April 2015

I am in deep shit

I think I am in love...

Deep shit huh?

Sunday, 5 April 2015


So should I come back for good?

Let's take time to decide.

Shall we?