Tuesday, 29 July 2014


God - check

Faith - check

Now all I need is money.

Monday, 28 July 2014

The Philosophy of Death or Trying to be Dead

So as I said before, here I am writing.

Life within this few years has interesting. Like usual, a lot of hearts got broken in the process and now it is time to tell the stories.

Hidup ini adalah satu kitaran. Aku , berputar-putar dalam 3 peringkat hidup. Aesthetic, ethics and religion... Three stages of life that will either make you or fuck you up. And in these 3 stages, I have to admit that they don't stay as individual stages. In my life, there will always be crossovers between these 3. Macam Kierkegaard yang terputus daripada falsafah sendiri.

Dan dalam 3 peringkat hidup itu, aku mengaku yang aku perlukan satu benda. The ultimate desire of human being, the one that a person would kill for, "cinta".

Being torn between doing things right or doing the right thing as I grow older especially in relationships.

Constant polemics between desire and conscience in my self, my brain and my heart. Kalau dulu sewaktu aku muda, mungkin konsep cinta itu lain. The formula is straight forward really.

I'll fuck you first and then see whether I can love you later.

But this invited a lot of problems in to my life. Problems that I in time, grow tired to deal with and in most cases, it is most certain that hearts will get broken. Hancur menjadi debu dan aku sebagai lelaki, benci bila benda ini berlaku.

And now, I am older. I put more thoughts in whatever I do in life and the formula changes.

I will love you first and fuck you later... Maybe when we are married.

But this is proven to be harder than the former for love is hard to come by.

Jadi aku simpulkan dalam ayat yang mudah...

If you can't love me properly, at least fuck me properly.

Seems legit no?

Saturday, 12 July 2014


Aku balik ke petak pertama. Not something that I fancy but hey, here I am.

Kita mulakan dengan Kafka...


Come here

Let me fuck your mind...

Monday, 12 May 2014

April and May in hell

I began reading philosophy and literature at the age of 16. Saat kawan-kawan sekolah sibuk ulangkaji pelajaran, I was busy fucking my brain out with Nietszche, Miller, Kafka and the others. I am lucky that my brain is still intact and of course, I wasn't the brightest bulb in my class. 

When I ended my school days, I had nothing. Aku tak ada keputusan cemerlang yang boleh membelah awan dan mencapai bulan, bintang. Tak ada tawaran masuk universiti jadi aku terpaksa teruskan hidup dengan menjadi pelajar tingkatan 6. But fuck that.  

Okay enough about that, back to literature. Bulan April dan May mengingatkan kepada satu prosa yang ditulis Arthur Rimbaud, a french poet who then became an arms dealer and later died of bone cancer. Looks like all the guns he sold can't save him after all. 

Now where were we?

The prose... A Season in Hell.

Kata Rimbaud "Once if my memory serves me well, my life was a banquet, where every heart revealed itself, where every wine flowed". 

Ini cerita tentang intoksikasi. I mean, you don't have to drink to get drunk, do you? Aku ada dalam keadaan itu. One after another shit, life seems to get me from every angle. Intoksikasi hati yang aku alami dalam setahun yang lepas, it is eating my alive. Makan, makan dan makan tapi masih lapar.  

Ini realiti, people tend to reveal things when they are intoxicated, they reveal themselves. Kamu turunkan tembok-tembok apartheid dan biar orang masuk ke dalam hati kamu. Biarkan mereka lalu lalang, selerakkan emosi dan jika nasib kamu tak baik, they will eat your heart raw and leave you to bleed. 

Aku dalam fasa ini dalam hidup, fasa menjadi manusia biasa. Learning to take the punch and bleed a little, wait for it to heal in the morning. Kalau dulu, mungkin emosi ni pada tahap separa tuhan, kali ni tak lagi. I am not as heartless as I was before. 

Jadi kalau kamu ambil hati seorang manusia dan campakkan ke dalam neraka untuk satu musim?

Mungkin dia akan menangis.