Thursday, 22 January 2015

Glass almost empty

Here is the thing, I need to write. I need to write more than I fuck. Not that I am fucking a lot but you see I need to write.

I need to write the way I used to write. So whenever you read it, you can feel my words lingering inside your cute panties.

If you are wearing any.

Are you now?

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Wrong question

So a friend asked me:

"How do I know if a girl is beautiful?".

Now this is a hard question but failing to answer this will cause disappointment to my friend.

Jadi aku jawab dengan mudah:

"Simple, just ask her 'Is it okay for you to let me experience your inner beauty?".

If you know what I mean.

Dead end

It was a gloomy evening, 6 years ago before everything ended a few weeks after. She was fighting for her life and I was with her trying to take her mind away from her fear. I was reading Kafka's short stories while she was lying down on her bed.

Tiba-tiba suaranya menyapa aku:

"Baby, why do you love reading Kafka so much?".

Franz Kafka, my favourite reality of all times. Bila aku rasa dunia ni mula jadi mengelirukan and of course unreal, I turn to books. When I feel stupid, I turn to books. But when you make me feel stupid, I'll make you feel more stupid. But that's another story.

Jawapan spontan yang keluar dari mulut aku:

"Because I have the most beautiful things in life now and it feels too good to be true, I need to get in touch with reality".

Dia tanya lagi:

"But I thought I was your reality", sambil mengalirkan airmata.

She was so emotional during her last days with me. Maybe she knew what was coming. Maybe she knew that the chemo isn't working. 

I held her hand and kissed her forehead... Sambil berkata dalam hati.

"We both know that we are each others' reality and we both know that it wont last".


I still love you the same no matter what

That's what she said to me during the first 6 months of our relationship. Well it only lasted for 9 months so yeah, I guess it is true that loving me... is not really for the faint-hearted.

For when your heart faints, the love will go away and you will end up hurting me for a short while and for the rest of your life you will be searching for the same love.

Over time, things will get darker, you will fall in deeper in to the darkness not knowing what is actually missing in life when things don't work out. If it does work out, it wont be the same as having me in it.

***

Ini benda yang kita semua fikir... When things don't turn out the way it should be. But the reality?

Go and stalk your fucking ex's instagram or whatever.

And I am fucking laughing in my heart

Postmortem

So there I was spending time with my father.

Ayah, he is a great guy. Great in his own ways, both my parents are. I wasn't born rich or being chauffeur driven to school. My parents didn't pamper me with money when I was a little boy because they themselves struggle to raise my 5 brothers and I.

Jadi kalau aku lihat kawan-kawan aku yang kaya, duit macam hujan yang takkan habis... But don't let the hardship stop you from dreaming big.

Anyway, we were having this conversation about marriage, on how important being tolerance when I have a wife like he is doing with my mom.

Selepas bercerita panjang lebar. Aku kata kepada ayah:

"I know what I want, I can't tell who but I can tell what she should be like. Sekarang mana nak cari isteri yang cantik, bijak, pandai menyanyi, tak menyakitkan hati and knows when to say the right thing?".

Ayah pandang aku sambil tergelak kecil...

"Susah kalau macam ni. You can't get all of those things in a girl".

Well guys, I guess I'm going to marry my game console instead of a woman.