Magnumopussy?

Sekarang aku sedang mencari-cari segala keseimbangan yang ada. Cuba mencari satu sudut dalam cubicle untuk aku duduk, berfikir, membaca dan menulis dengan tenang. Aku terima beberapa email bertanyakan kenapa itu kenapa ini dan seterusnya. Yes, I don't write as much as I did before and I'm not reading that much too.

So I had a chat with one of my reader, itu dulu tapi sekarang she's a friend.

And she said:

"Maybe you should do something out of your normal spheres like dating nyah, wearing your leather jacket inside out, like not talking to anyone for two days, like keeping yourself and what's interesting about you to yourself, like writing your punchline on a piece of paper instead of tweeting them, like changing your blog colour to pink".

Now about the last part, are you guys ready for The Pink Melayu debut?

Ah gay...

So I recorded a demo the other day and sent it to a few of my friends.

Yes, this fucking writer can, write a little, sing a little, play a little well guitar and fuck a little. Though I doubt the last part.

Jadi aku main gitar dan nyanyi, you know what happens if a writer tries to sing. Selalunya, bencana. But things turned out differently in this situation.

A: "I just fucking listen to your use somebody hahaha"

Yeah, made a cover of Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody".

B: "Okay, wtf? Aku dah email lama dah?"

A: "Tapi kawan kau ni lupa...."

Dan dia sambung:

"Fuck, apsal suara kau hot? I'm turned on".

Dan perbualan seterusnya terpaksa ditapis untuk menjaga sensitiviti sesetengah orang yang baca blog ni. Mostly students who are sitting for their SPM and I wouldn't even try to edit the text when it involves word like "pussy".

And I can tell that I'm going to have a hard time dealing with gays after this.

Tapi yang ini ada pengecualian sebab dia kawan aku. He can kiss me whenever he wants.

I need to write some random stuff, I need to be a fucking writer

It was early in the morning and I was driving.

Sambil itu diiringi realiti, menyambut setiap jalan-jalan yang aku lalui. There were some trees, heavy traffic, drizzling rain and humans, I was one of them.

 I was thinking while driving, itu perkara yang selalunya aku lakukan. Just drive and set my brain on autopilot and think deep. That's what we are lacking nowadays anyway.

Tidak lama selepas itu, belum sempat aku lemaskan pemikiran ke dasar minda yang kusut dan rumit, telefon berdering.

Dalam hati aku kata: "Shit, can't a man have a little peace?".

And she spoke through the phone: "Zul? Got a sec?"

Ah perempuan yang akan mengakhiri zaman bujangnya minggu depan. She used to be the one who brought balance to my world. But that was a few years ago. Dan sekarang, selepas 2 atau 3 kali batalkan rancangan untuk berkahwin, she is really jumping into it. Or shall I say, diving into it with maximum velocity and maybe she won't make it out alive. 

"I'm driving but I can talk, what's up?"

You should know when your history calls you on the phone with a serious yet happy tone, there must be something. Wrong or not I don't know yet but there must be something.

Dia kata: "Dinner tomorrow night?"

So let's evaluate the situation, I'm single. She on the other hand is getting married in less than a week. Going out for a dinner with her isn't really a good idea is it?

Aku diam dan fikir...

Dia kata lagi: "I just need to talk to you, okay? Dinner esok malam?"

Oh what the hell, it's only a dinner.

I said: "Okay then, you'd have to pick me up".

"Alright, will call you when I'm already on my way".

I know, I know, this is kinda wrong. But who cares, this dinner might as well replace her bachelorette party.

Dan Khamis malam Jumaat. Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?

WTF much?

Hey, I'm the owner of The Plain Melayu, I'm innocent and I'm afraid of girls.

Please be nice to me?

Gay talk... With a spoon of narcissism.

A: "I'm sorry for appearing ugly, sloppy je"

B: "No, you are you, not that ugly anyway"

A: "I am.."

B: "No, you are not,  I'm ugly everytime, tak ada rambut"

A: "No you are not ugly, botak je. Botak tu sexy, macam Mawi, Norman Hakim"

B: "Mawi sexy? I langsung tak attracted to him?"

A: "Then you attracted to whom?"

B"Yours truly, yeah that's how gay I can be".

By now, all of you should've known who is B right?

Okay maybe not just a spoon...

And I just need to write something, regardless whether it is worth reading or not.

I bet you don't have a teacher like this back then...

I was standing in front of the class. Science period and teaching a class of 9-year old kids is an easy but not a simple task.

Semua mata-mata memandang aku, dengan senyap. They know if they make any noise, disaster would strike and they don't want that. Especially from me.

You see, in my class, I am god to them.

It was a short lesson, taught them about soil and stuff. And I said to them:

"Tomorrow, I want all of you to bring soil sample in small water bottles, make sure the bottles are half full and the soil you bring has to be as dark as possible".

Tiba-tiba ada seorang budak kecil di belakang, mengangkat tangan dan tanya dalam keadaan bingung:

"Teacher, where can I find that kind of soil?", sambil menggaru kepala.

This boy is asking his 'class god' a stupid question. Tapi dia dimaafkan sebab baru 9 tahun, kalau tak, he is going straight to hell.

Jadi aku kata: "Try the field, garden or your mom's lawn. If you still can't find the soil, scrape if off your arse if you have to".

And you know how kids react when it comes to weird statements and suggestion. Ya, semua tercengang dalam keadaan enigma.

While they are dying a little inside, I was laughing my ass off deep inside.

Who says it's no fun being a teacher? I had my fun part obviously.

Dude, why are you single?

Awal pagi semalam. aku terima teks daripada seorang kawan lama.

"I am not in Malaysia, but heard the story that S*** is getting married?"

Aku lihat skrin telefon, gosok-gosok mata dan balas:

"Where are you now? Bring something back for me. Yeah she invited me to her wedding next month".

Kawan aku, sekarang sibuk dengan kehidupan sendiri dan keluarga. A few years older than me, living a good life dan orang yang lihat hati aku dicarik-carik perempuan-perempuan jelita dari umur aku 17. You know the common teenage stuff.

At last this girl is getting married. Perempuan yang dulunya melempar-lempar hati aku yang dalam intoksikasi bullshit dan absurd macam frisbee. That fucking frisbee, she thought I was a dog and going to fetch that thing so she can throw it on an open field again and again and again.

Macam terkena sumpahan Sisyphus. But I came back with a knife instead of my own heart.

 Tahun ini, tahun paling ramai orang kahwin or to be specific, my ex-girls. It's like that movie Good Luck Chuck coming into reality and I am that fucking pathetic Chuck. Only I am younger and don't have that much money. This makes the situation to be such a WTF situation.

"Most of the girls you dated for the past few years are getting married huh?"

Dia tanya aku, like I'm some kind of lucky charm. The more logical explanation for this is, they are older than me and its time for them to get married. Kecuali seorang seorang perempuan yang aku kenal, she canceled her wedding with the same guy twice. I guess my charm on her didn't really work and she should date me for another 1 year. Tapi itu aku akan cerita lain kali.

Aku kata pada dia:

"Maybe after this, girls should pay to date me. So I can support my fucking lifestyle and they'll get married quicker!".

So what are you waiting for?

Aku tahu aku kena padam entri ini selepas seminggu...

Its almost the end of... well the world. My world not yours.

Dan dunia aku akan bermula seperti biasa pada bulan Disember, jadi sehingga menunggu bulan Disember untuk datang kepada aku, I have an almost completely static life.

Job dah tak ada, segala Muse memang tak menyebelahi aku when it comes to song composition. And my guitar and I, we sit in a room filled with books and dust, spending our time together.

This simply means that I need money to support my lifestyle.

Jadi aku terfikir untuk print t-shirt The Plain Melayu dan jual kepada siapa-siapa yang mahu beli. Kalau request lebih daripada 100, then I'll start working on the design...

Apa macam?