Back on track

Hidup kini sudah kembali normal. Aku sudah kembali menulis, membaca dan berkerja dengan tenang, mungkin berkerja dengan jiwa histeria sekali-sekala tapi kena ingat itu untuk duit.

Beberapa hari ini aku isikan masa lapang di rumah dengan tidur, ya tidur yang lena. My fucking beauty sleep. Macam perempuan-perempuan posh yang tidur untuk kekal cantik.

Aku bangun dari tidur, terasa segala elemen Kafka, Rimbaud dan realiti bercampur aduk.

Sambil dalam hati berkata:

"Fuck, I'm getting fat!".

Maybe I need to do some exercise before I go to bed. Some, in bed exercise but I'm going to need a company for that.

Exit

Hidup agak sukar sekarang terutama sekali bila diri sendiri bertukar menjadi neraka. It has been 8 days more or less, I'm still fighting my own fire in my own body.

Aku teguk ubat batuk dalam botol. I don't use spoon to take medicine nor cups to drink water. Benda-benda itu terlalu leceh untuk aku ambil kira. Minum semua dari dalam botol, ringkas.

Writing has been fun so far, with all the positive feedback, some negative ones. All the anonymous comments and now there is formspring, more anonymous questions and some of them are quite offensive I might say.

Setiap kali aku berdepan dengan perkara-perkara seperti ini, aku akan ingatkan diri sendiri.


"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a blog".

Take a chill pill, maybe you should get yourself a fucking vibrator. That will ease the tension a bit.

Being young...

A few years back, I was test driving a friend's car. Sebelum dia pergi ke luar negara dan tak mahu balik atas sebab-sebab tertentu, yang penting dia masih hidup. I need her to be alive at least and she'll be back.


Hari itu, hari jadi dia yang ke- lapan belas. Her dad, bought her a fancy yellow color sports car and I was the first to give it a try.

Waktu itu aku masih muda, sukakan kelajuan. Cuma bezanya, pada hari jadi aku yang ke lapan belas, ayah aku tak belikan aku sebuat kereta sport yang fancy but still what he gave me was good enough to keep me alive while driving. It is proven, the car played it's part very well.

I drove her to the north, as if I was running from something... Faster, faster and faster. Dalam kelajuan itu dia pandang aku dengan riak muka separuh takut.

"Your love for speed will cost you your life".

Aku degil. I answered her:

"What about now?".

Muka dia pucat, I was playing with her life and mine, that explained the pale face. (Tiba-tiba teringat "Pale Fire" oleh Nabokov, tapi itu cerita lain).

Now, a couple of years after she said that, I still have the love for speed. 

And few days ago it almost cost me my life. Almost.

Itu tandanya aku masih muda kan? Wtf, I am young!

Pilihan

Aku sedang berfikir tentang beberapa pilihan yang aku ada untuk tambah duit dalam bank.

Mungkin patut jadi beggar, they are making a lot of money nowadays. Sebab hampir semua orang dah perasan bahawa dunia ini dah nak kiamat dan tak mahu masuk neraka. So they give alms to the poor, poor beggars.

Good prospect but I have to find something that suits my working schedule now. Dengan kerja-kerja menulis tertunggak, beberapa cerita pendek tak disiapkan serta mengajar budak-budak kecil tentang hidup.

Aku terfikir satu benda. Gigolo macam satu pekerjaan yang bagus, ada masa sendiri, malam-malam ada aktiviti. Dapat duit sambil mengaku "I am nocturnal!".

Sekurang-kurangnya perkataan "gigolo" tu ada bunyi jawa sikit.

Mungkin aku patut kejar cita-cita untuk menjadi seorang vibrator.

Yeah kalau ikut ejaan vibrator juga bunyinya macam perkataan jawa.

Sekarang aku kena barricade rumah sebab ramai orang jawa nak bakar aku.

Hole

I'm reading my own words now. From square one, until now...

Aku terasa satu benda.

I'm missing my old readers.

Where the hell are you guys?

Keperluan

Beberapa tahun dulu masa aku mula menulis, aku berharap untuk ada seorang proofreader.

Today, I'm still writing with spelling and grammatical errors here and there. Aku ada beberapa orang proofreader sekarang tapi hanya seorang yang betul-betul beritahu apa yang salah dalam penulisan aku.

Yang lain, mereka semua tinggalkan mesej dalam ym atau sms inbox aku dan kata:

"Check your fucking spelling!"

Epistle

"If I write a letter to god...."

Came across this many times this week and I wonder why everyone is busy trying to send a letter to god.

My advice, if you are trying to send a letter to him... Get your postcode right and find a courier service that is willing to get your letter all the way up there. If they are capable of doing so.

Because the last time I checked, even the best courier service in the world limit their services in the world.

That's the reason why they called their courier service "the best in the world".

And how are they going charge for ultra long distance delivery anyway?

Odd

Its funny how can a simple thing makes me feel uneasy.

Aku rasa facebook chat buat aku claustrophobia, macam kata Sartre kalau bapak dia masih hidup:

"This is the greatest event of my life, had he live, my father would have lain down and squashed me".

Ini perasaan aku bila guna facebook chat, more like being squashed by someone's ass, a very big ass.

Stopping bullet...

My language is going to get me in trouble, one day. Yes one day...

Aku turun dari kereta seorang perempuan dalam fasa akhir dua dekadnya. Dia sempat tarik tangan aku dan kata:

"Thanks for doing this" dan tersenyum.

That was the third time I attended some posh occasion with her dan aku kata:

"This time I really feel like a gigolo, we should go back to your place".

She got the joke and laughed.

Aku masuk ke dalam dewan itu, duduk di satu sudut dan aku perhatikan orang sekeliling. I can fucking smell the scent of money pretty much everywhere, not to mention the sound. They kept talking about how to expand this, gain that, raise this and that.

Dia bisik ke telinga aku: "You see, lelaki dekat hujung sana, he is very rich and at the same time arrogant. Kejap lagi, masa semua orang duduk dekat table for dinner you'll be hearing him talking about his money, cars and stuf".

"Let's hope he's not sitting anywhere near me".

Dia pandang ke arah lain: "It's too late for that, you are going to sit beside him".

Dalam hati aku kata bahawa ini akan jadi malam paling seronok untuk aku.

So there I was sitting beside him and I don't have to wait that long to hear this fucking guy telling the whole world about how rich he is.

Dia mulakan perbualan dengan semua orang yang duduk di meja nombor 9, ya sembilan. Nombor bertuah aku, he's going to remember this moment.

Aku berkata dalam hati: "If this guy cross the line tonight, he's going to get something that he wont forget. Retaliation".

Jadi dia mulakan perbualan, mula-mula tentang perniagaan, saham, duit, rumah di luar negara dan kereta. Finally I know how I can nail this guy down.

"You know, I just bought a new Ferrari last week, the Scuderia. bet any of you haven't set your eyes nor lay a finger on it yet bla bla bla...".

Aku pandang dia dengan muka stoic, sambil berkata "Don't you know how to shut the fuck up? Or you want me to do that to you?" tapi itu dalam hati.

Dia terus bercerita dan aku terus keluarkan kata-kata aku:

"You know, what you just bought is actually an iron horse with a serious drinking problem. I don't understand, despite the education that you have you chose to buy something with a drinking problem? Plus the pollution that very thing causes, you don't want me to start now".

Dia diam, sebab dalam ramai-ramai orang yang ada masters, degree dan sebagainya disitu, aku seorang sahaja yang tak mengampu dia.

Semua yang duduk di meja itu diam. Aku angkat cawan dihadapan aku dan aku kata

"Cheers mate!".

After that I whispered to his ear: "And one more thing, you know they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals".

You don't want to see the look on his face. Akhirnya aku dapat quote Mr Doubtfire dalam kehidupan, pencapaian yang sangat bagus.

Aku tak nampak kenapa aku perlu tahan dengan apa yang dia cakap, its not like I'm getting a fraction of his money anyway.

Purgatorio

This is trouble...

Its not that complicated really, I'm just looking for the centre of my writing.

So just bear with me for a few moments?

Mendaki menara Babel...

Its time to get serious now.

Ini bukan blog seorang manusia sexy dengan sepasang payudara yang "perky".

Aku seksi tapi tolak sepasang payudara.

So now lets get down to business and start writing after a few weeks of hiatus.

Ingat, seksi, tapi tanpa payudara.

Oh yeah and I write sometimes with a clean mind and often with dirty words, but its not that conspicuous isn't it?

Piece De Resistance

Nampaknya percubaan untuk hiatus menjadi, seratus peratus.

During the seven weeks of break from writing, I did a lot of thinking. In fact, I'm still thinking now, its an endless process. But this time, I am doing everything differently.

Hiatus seratus peratus, tiada novel-novel epik, puisi-puisi fantasi dan kitab-kitab sufi. Kali ini Miller tak dapat tolong.

"I'm all by myself in this war", kata aku kepada diri sendiri. People around me? They can't help, they need help. How can they be any help if they themselves need help?

I was thinking about the imbalance of the world, betapa dunia ini tidak adil. Ya, ini kata-kata orang yang emosi sebelum bunuh diri dan aku petik kata-kata mereka.

You see humans, we were designed with faulty and defects, imperfections made us what we are today. So since we are imperfect relatively, we are imbalanced. We can't be totally fair, thus the world is not fair since the mechanism that runs the world is imperfect.

Cawan teh yang pertama. It's hot nowadays and my tea, I like it cold with extra sugar.

In the nutshell, I can say that the world is full of bastards and bitches, they are in every form you could imagine. Perhaps something that goes beyond your imagination too.

Humans, we dominate both of the titles, be it directly or indirectly.

Its our nature.

Itu sahaja aku nak cakap, selang beberapa minggu selepas hiatus, my words are like new born babies who can't differentiate between shit and porridge.

Bukan lagi pelacur yang aku jadikan gadis suci. Itu nanti.