Sisyphus

How do we get rid of…

Rasa berdosa? 

A little update

The more time I spend with her, the more I know that she isn’t perfect but she is perfect for me… 

Brick wall

 The problem with writing here now is, for a moment aku rasa aku nak tulis. Nak curahkan semua benda yang ada dalam kepala yang sarat dengan memori dan kenangan. 

Tapi when I started writing, the fucking drive went away. 

What the fuck is going on again? 

Amnesia and Deja Vu

 Some years ago at this hour, around this time, I used to be on the phone or texting someone. 

We'd talk, laugh and flirt. At one point we even wrote poetries together. I will write a verse and she'll write another verse and so on. 

Hidup aku during that time, beautiful. I found someone who can save me from myself and the world and I guess she found the same thing. 

But then again, we can't always save each other forever. 

That's it for now. 

Payah

 Started trading again but it is hard after 2 years of hiatus. 

Re-entered January this year but exited everything sebab aku stress. Benda yang aku buat hari ini mengingatkan aku tentang keadaan aku in 2018-2019, boy that was tough. 

I lost a lot of things masa tu. Diri sendiri, cinta. Semua hilang macam debu ditiup angin dan benda tu masih terasa sampai sekarang. 

Opera

Life is a lot better now compared to a few years back. By a few years bukanlah lama sangat.

I suffered a lot in 2018 and 2019. Barely had enough to survive, it was sad. 

I lost a lot of things, money, people, love, myself. Orang yang faham apa yang aku lalui most probably cuma ayah. 

Lepaskan

 May 2019, it was painful and I held her hand for one last time just to let go. 

Tapi kenapa malam ini, bila aku tutup mata I can see that particular moment flashing before my eyes?

Because I have let you go and set you free, go and find your happiness :)

Usik hati

Kenapa... Tak kira berapa banyak aku menulis, bercerita aku tetap rasa ada benda yang tak lepas daripada hati yang merajuk ini?

Maybe it's because I haven't had any stiff drink for years. 

Atau mungkin hati aku dah tua, when it is stuck in one state... Degil.

Habit

 I am mostly writing when I am lying on my belly now. I am old. This place is old but it didn't grow up with me.

So yeah.

Come back to yourself...

 Here I am... Not sure why I am back this time. Maybe I just can't tell how I feel to the people around me. 

I think I am safe here. Not that many people know about this place and who I am and I bet she doesn't know about this place. 

It's all good. 

Memories

 Looking back at all the things that we went through all the sacrifice made, going against all odds just to be together... Those things made me sad and angry. 

You see, we had it all. All the love in the world, we had each other. I used to look at other people and be grateful for having something that others don't. 

Until it all got snatched away by anger, ego, circumstances, reactions and things went numb.

How do I explain this... Well words were thrown, I wish I was stronger in enduring all the sharp words thrown at me. Letter became syllables... Spelled... Spoken. 

Threats... I don't respond well to them. It triggered something that I had to endure for years in my own house. 

It made a man who was full of love with sparkly eyes whenever he sees her... 

Eventually felt numb every time he hugged and kissed her forehead. 

:(

Is it?

 Is it possible for the heart of two people to get broken at all the same places?

I can only wonder... 

Promises

 Kadang-kadang...

Tak ada perkataan yang will do justice to describe the way you feel atau in this case... The way I feel. 

Mistakes were made, stories were told and hearts were broken. 

My heart? It perpetually breaks every day thinking of what what would it be like if things didn't happen the way it did.

The End

And I ended everything. As usual, with a bang. 

Sekali Lagi

How is it possible for a person to break another person’s heart time and time again in a single relationship? Aku tahu and I did that a few days back. Well we were not in a relationship anymore but I still broke her heart.

Apa lagi kata-kata yang mampu menggambarkan kekesalan dalam hati kecuali “I am sorry”?

I am sorry for breaking your heart.

I am sorry for not being able to give back what you gave me.

I am sorry for being so weak.

I am sorry... Infinity.

Invictus

Life is hard when you have nothing left. Nothing left inside you and nothing left around you. When you have so much to give at the same time, nothing to give.


In the end life is not just hard, it is unconquerable.

I don't like doing this

but it is done.

We'll see what happens next. 

You know

I think people have forgotten about this space I have. Which actually gives me a little freedom to write whatever fuck I want.

Fuck that...

Fuck this...

Fuck them...

No I am not gonna end it with a “fuck you”.

Too old for a “fuck you” anyway...

.

I'm sorry...

Wish

You know what I wish I didn't do?

Delete all my previous blog posts when I was in love. It was stupid and I was one hell of a writer.