Moraliti di hujung Disember

Jumaat, tahun ini seperti setuju untuk berakhir. Hari terakhir untuk bulan terakhir dan dekad terakhir.

Okay WTF am I saying, the year is almost over and it's time for us to embrace new things. In ourselves, in life and in others.

Jadi hari ini kita raikan, aku bawa the boys, 5 orang adik lelaki pergi menghadap tuhan dan balik. Sebelum itu, pergi ke kedai untuk beli 2 ekor ayam. It's new year and I'm in the mood for chicken and after that chicks. If you know what I mean.

Semasa sedang memandu aku terfikir tentang moraliti, Nietzsche dan ahli falsafah lain. All of them are kissing the ground now and I'm kissing the chicks.

Anyway, seorang kawan aku pernah tanya tentang moraliti, tentang 'behaving in a civilized way', tentang etika, tentang perikemanusiaan dan selepas itu beritahu aku tentang sayur-sayuran. Well she's a vegetarian and I'm sure some of you already know where this story is leading.

You know common vegetarian who tries to convert everyone to a vegan and leave the darkside of meat.

Dia persoalkan kemanusiaan bila orang sanggup sembelih haiwan lain, yang bernyawa dan boleh berinteraksi dengan dengan manusia. I'm not very sure about the interaction, aku tanya dia:

"You pernah cakap dengan kambing? I tried, the result was disappointing".

Selepas itu kambing menjadi hidangan kesukaan aku dan semasa aku sedang makan malam dengan dia beberapa hari lepas, aku pesan... Ya kambing.

Aku kurang setuju konsep vegetarian, god gave us plenty of food. Why should we just limit our choices and use morality as the reason to stop us from consuming meat?

It is truly necessary to slaughter animals and eat them, for the sake of human kind and survival. Kalau mahu bercerita tentang moral, perikemanusiaan atau belas kasihan let's do it on other things.

Aku terangkan kepada dia: "Instead of worrying about edible animals, you should worry more about yourself and other people, other necessary people".

Bila bercerita tentang morality dan humanity, tadi sewaktu aku memandu, aku nampak dua orang lelaki sedang menolak kereta. Mungkin rosak.

Dalam hati aku berkata: "Ah, a few years ago, I pushed my 1 ton car all by myself".

Aku tolak segala konsep morality ketepi....

Aku terus memandu balik dan tak toleh kebelakang.

Ada dua ekor ayam yang perlu digoreng.

Makan lebih penting daripada segala moraliti di dunia.

Spesifikasi

Aku duduk menunggu masa. Dihadapan aku duduk seorang lelaki pertengahan 30 an yang sedang menghadap Macbook nya. We sit and talk like friends. Bercakap mengenai boy's toys atau mainan budak lelaki.

Dia masih kurang percaya aku sekarang di awal 20-an.

So like I said earlier, we were talking about boy's toys, gadgets, cars, motorcycle, career, yang tidak ada cuma topic perempuan, payudara dan seperti kata seorang kawan "pussy dalam bahasa Melayu apa?", because he is married and I'm not. Do you see the difference between  married guys and single ones?

Yeah, lelaki yang dah berkahwin, kalau dia suami yang baik akan kurang bercakap mengenai random girls yang lalu lalang dan mempunyai punggung dan payudara mengiurkan. Atau paling hina, berimaginasi tentang Megan Fox sebagai ganti isteri mereka. That doesn't happen here, we had a civilized conversation about great engineering and technologies.

Yes some of the single guys are a little less civilized, tapi kalau kamu tanya aku? Aku boleh jadi dua-dua. Salahkan nature.

While talking, I can't help but to look at his Macbook. Aku tanya:

"That thing looks interesting, how's the performance so far?".

Dia kata: "I've been using this for a year now, tak pernah hang or lagging. Really worth the price".

And something triggered, dalam hati aku berkata:

"Now I know what in life, a girlfriend just like this".

Imagine using for a year and no hanging or lagging? That's just precious man.

She can at least stay for say 6 to 7 years... Then, it's time for a new 'Macbook". If you know what I mean.

Sebelum kiamat untuk tahun yang ini...

Tarik nafas panjang dan lepas.

Ahhh sweet memory.

Pura-pura mabuk lagi

Turun dari pentas selepas diseksa syaitan-syaitan dunia aku yang terlibat dalam dunia muzik. Duduk di satu sudut dan mendiamkan diri, menikmati saat neraka selama beberapa minit selepas menyanyi err beberapa lagu perempuan.

It wasn't entirely bad sebab selalunya, lagu perempuan akan membawa kepada perempuan kepada aku. Seperti apa yang berlaku selepas ini.

Seorang perempuan datang, dengan bau Chanel atau mungkin Dior. Tak kira apa sekalipun, yang penting aku suka bau itu. Dia kata:

"Nice show", dia kata sambil memegang gelas pada tangan.

Aku pandang dia dan kata: "Thanks, it was hell".

"I think you did great seriously".

"Enough about the show, what's a beautiful girl like you doing here alone?".

"Just need to relax my mind after a long day of work".

Aku diam, dia diam. Sebenarnya selepas dua lagu aku tak ada perasaan untuk bersosial, I just want to go home and rest. But this girl is fine, let's hope my subconscious mind doesn't sabotage me with this one.

Dan aku cuba pecahkan kesunyian.

"I really have to say this, I like your perfume. Smells nice"

"Thanks that's so sweet of you, it is actually...."

Sebelum dia terangkan dengan lebih lanjut tentang minyak wangi, aku mencelah. You know how some girls can talk about themselves for hours, sampai matahari terbit, sampai hujan teduh, sampai bangun tidur, sampai habis makan, sampai melahirkan dan sampai kiamat.

"You are sweet too, can I taste you?".

Dia pandang aku dan kata: "Well no...". But she didn't go away.

Ah what the hell, I really have to say this. Why do women have to be so negative?

 "No" is a form of negativity no?

She's a bitch

Now I am all alone.

Selepas beberapa lama. Duduk bersila, pandang kehadapan, kesat air mata.

Kecewa.

I don't have my fucking laptop anymore!


Okay mungkin tidak kesat air mata.

The feeling I have when I'm back writing

Ahhhh bahagianya.

Now let's warm up the brain and start writing until we bleed.

Out of ink? Use your fucking blood!

That's you...

Aku cuma nak duduk depan computer dan taip.

Sampai berdarah.

Now that explains the red font.

Pura-pura mabuk

Create woman
In your heart and mind
In your eyes and in your arms
In your room...

Create woman
on your bookshelf
and on your bed.


Sudah?








Now let's pluralize the subject.

Sentuh Perut Santa

 Merry Christmas everyone!

Emotional Massacre

We only have a few days before December takes off to a place where we can't reach anymore and everything is going to be an either fond or bitter memory to us.

And usually when it comes to the end, I'll remember the past as if it's happening now.

This is the time when my words can either cure or torture your soul, heart and life. Make them bleed or cry, even laugh.

All you have to do is bear with me.

We'll make it out alive... Dengan hati masing-masing.

Now where was I? Right, the dinner.

It was a heavy night.

"Be there in 10 minutes".

She was driving to pick me up and have dinner together.

Malam itu berat dengan segala emosi, kerana yang datang menjemput aku itu ialah memori.

"I'm driving", aku kata pada dia, mungkin sebab malam itu aku tak percaya dia untuk memandu. Well to tell you the truth, I've never believe in her when it comes to wheels and steering.

"So how was your day?", I started the conversation while driving.

Dia jawab pendek: "The usual busy day at work, how about you?"

"Classes and stuff, nothing much going on lately".

Dan malam itu menjadi semakin perlahan dan perlahan. As if the reality was fading, semua menjadi kabur kemudian membawa aku kebelakang. Membawa aku ke beberapa tahun yang lalu. Back then when everything was perfect and I was younger and less worn out than I am today. She was the only creation that's close to perfection , she still is now.

"You are quiet tonight?", dia tanya kepada aku.

"I have nothing much to say, plus tengah drive, you don't want to be dead a few days before your wedding day do you?".

I looked at her and laughed. That was, well not a very nice joke. Sebab setiap kali aku kata benda-benda macam tu dia akan buat muka risau. And she hasn't change a bit, not even a fraction. The same expression, same smile, the way she speaks, reminds me of the past.

Malam itu kami makan, berbual, ketawa dan beberapa kali aku buat dia termenung.

I looked at her, seorang perempuan yang kecil (literally and not) sedang mencari sesuatu. Aku boleh lihat seribu satu perasaan yang ada dalam minda dan hati dia. But in reality, just like her, I'm just a small boy. I am not capable to interpret her emotion what more to take it all with me, everyday in life.

We walked to the car, it was raining. And she called my name, just like she used to:

"Zul?"

She gave me a hug and whispered to my ear "I love you..."

And my heart shattered into a million pieces and bled endlessly, like the rain.

Sebab pada waktu itu, kata-kata dia datang menusuk setiap inci emosi yang ada.

And here's another perfect ending to an imperfect love. 

It's December and it's amusing!

Aku duduk menghadap dia. This is the only time I have to meet her. No, not my girlfriend, no girl would want me to be her boyfriend, especially after she reads this.

"Look at you, you look so gorgeous tonight..."

Dia jeling aku, she refused to believe what I said to her.

"What happen to you?", dia tanya.

Aku senyum: "Nothing, its just that you look so beautiful sangat malam ni".

Giliran dia untuk senyum dan: "Really?!"

Dengan senyuman lebih lebar daripada dia aku kata: "Hey, hey don't take me seriously, I was just trying to strip you naked".

"Ah sudah lah you!"

I told you, no girl would even consider to be my girlfriend after reading this.

Early Christmas... NOT

"Can you sing me a song? Tajuk lagu tu Istimewa, tahu tak?".

"Istimewa? Lepas tu nanti you kahwin dengan I tak?"

I was hoping for an early Christmas present.

December Enigma

Girl: "What's the name of your blog again?"

Me: "The Plain Melayu..."

Girl: "Oh I ingat the last melayu..."

Me: "Itu tahun depan punya program".

Girl: "I nak jadi admin blog you boleh? Since I kinda came up with the idea?"

Me: "Tak boleh, sebab memang takkan buat".

Seriously think about it? The Last Melayu?

Lagi baik aku pergi gali kubur Verlaine, Sisyphus (kalau ada), Kafka, Bukowski lepas tu buat reunion dead author of the century.

.

I personally think that blogging is blogging nothing more to it. You orchestrate your words and if you might, put a few pictures in one post. If people like you they'll follow you and you'll make a little money out of it (if you wish to), if people don't like you, then start over.

Aku tak faham kenapa ada orang nak take things like advertisement seriously until you have your fucking strategy to generate income from blogging. This is not some MLM shit...

In the nut shell. Read your fucking book and eat your fucking green vegetables kids!

Meniti jarum-jarum halus

"Don't forget to bring your girlfriend!", 3 texts berturut-turut.

In my circle, my tiny circle that is, wedding season is a season that is full of conspiracy. All the conspirators, mereka biasanya akan duduk semeja dengan aku dan makan, buat lawak lucah and a few marriage jokes. They also joke a little about how I should get a steady girlfriend.  

I can't let them do this to me, who the fuck they think I am?

Kami duduk satu meja while they are making fun of my bitterness.

Never make fun of my bitterness...

So they were sitting with their wives, lovely, fine wives that would make other guys cursing and drool when they seem these woman.

Aku duduk dalam golongan orang yang dah joined the dark side. So I said:

"Since you guys have completed your journey and joined the dark side, I can only say this about the dark side. You guys paid an absurd amount of money to end up with one pussy until you are dead, that is if you can use it that long".

Dan aku ketawa seorang diri, it was funny. At least for me.

"I bet all you girls are going to be mothers at home after this telling your men that they shouldn't mix with a guy like me".

You can already imagine the look on their face. Well actually, they are afraid that their husbands would go out looking for 483 more pussies.

Of course, it was just a joke. All of it.

Did I tell you not make fun of my bitterness? And of course, they wouldn't want me to date their sister.

Limitation

I was at the pub the other day. Dengan seorang kawan yang aku jumpa setahun dua atau mungkin tiga kali.

He bought a new bike, so we played with it, played with life. Riding a bike that can go more than 280km/h is an experience that I can't explain, macam membaca Tropic of Cancer. So it was intense, taking that much risk to go to the pub is plain dumb.

"We choose quite a way to get here huh?", dia kata pada aku sambil tanggalkan topi keledar.

"Yeah, we cheated death a few times today, kan?".

Dia pandang aku, senyum dan menggelengkan kepala. He knew that I will push everything to the limit, including that new bike of his.Well I do that to everything I have around me, including girls. Most of the girls I dated, they can't endure me.

"Since you broke the speed record today, drinks are on me".

Jadi aku pesan segelas sirap dan minum sambil bercerita tentang falsafah hidup dan realiti yang aku dan dia lalui. Macam biasa, when two minds communicate, something new will be created. Tak percaya? Take sex as an example. Whenever a guy and a girl errr you can figure that out on your own.

Dia kata kepada aku lagi: "You should really stop pushing everything to the limit, especially girls".

"Here we go again", sambil pegang segelas sirap.

"No seriously, you should really let a girl in".

Okay here's the mistake, never say anything that later I can turn into a joke.

Aku senyum, "I want to let a girl in, thing is I don't have the chance to let me to let them in".

I wanted to add because I don't have much hair on my head, but he expected that so I found another way around.

"Lagipun most of the time, they let me in first... Not the other way around".

Dia termenung...

Dan aku tambah: "So how's that little sister of yours? Is she single?"

"Go to hell man!"

Guess he didn't realize that I'm going to ride that new superbike of his later huh?