The Joke - Bukan Kundera

I think I should cut down the swearing or cursing or mencarut.

Seems like my subconscious mind is sabotaging me with the "F" word, yes the fucking "F" word.

Okay can't help it there.

I'm going to get myself in trouble one of these days.

Macam watak lelaki dalam novel Kundera, The Joke, dengan sekeping poskad yang dia hantar kepada seorang perempuan yang serious. The content of the postcard was intended to be a joke, its just that nobody gets the joke.

Aku malas nak quote apa yang dia tulis dalam poskad itu.

Kini aku ada versi The Joke aku sendiri, its just that I'm not in trouble yet. And I don't have to write complicated jokes to get in trouble.

Just a simple "fuck", would do the trick.

Sebab tadi masa aku sedang bercakap dengan jiran-jiran aku, while we were discussing about some crisis.

Yeah, krisis pokok tumbang, krisis power failure dan bermacam-macam krisis lagi, it was like a conference discussing about world domination. But we didn't get that far. Neighborhood domination maybe, but we are still a few steps away.

Masa aku sedang berbual, tiba-tiba terkeluar perkataan ini semasa nak tanya tentang sesuatu:

"Oh really? How fuck? err I mean, how far?"

Yeah trouble.

Enjoy reading huh?

Don't always go by the book

Bila orang tanya aku mengenai penulisan, semua benda yang berkaitan dengan penulisan, soalan yang aku selalu dapat ialah:

"Apa sebenarnya yang kita perlu tulis?"

We are all concern about what we all should write. Too concern, about what we write and how we choose our words.

Ini adalah blog, dunia yang kau cipta dan kau letakkan kata-kata kau untuk dijadikan langit dan segala benda yang ada dalam dunia kau. Why be too careful?

Tapi jangan jadi terlalu bodoh macam sesetengah orang yang dah kena tangkap sebab tak jaga sensitiviti.

Kita masih perlu kekal dengan etika tanpa menggangu estetika. Writing is an art, terlalu mementingkan teknik tanpa jiwa, seperti Nietzsche yang retarded.

Horrific.

Jadi aku akan kata kepada orang yang selalu tanya seperti itu:

"Start writing shit, if people read what you write and they like it, keep writing shit. If they don't, what the hell keep on writing. You won't stop even if they ask you too, why bother?"

Cuma cara ini tidak digalakkan untuk budak-budak sekolah yang akan mengambil peperiksaan. You'll screw up your life big time. Stick to the book.

Jadi setakat ini aku tulis shitty stuff dan masih ada orang baca bukan? I'll keep on writing I guess, keep on writing shit.

Attica!

Something is not right here.

Ada sesuatu yang mengganggu fikiran dan perasaan aku. You know, the neurotic side of me is getting pretty dominant these days and this is not good.

Mungkin ada sesuatu yang menggugat keseimbangan kosmos dalam dunia aku, sesuatu yang menarik sedikit demi sedikit moral dalam diri aku. Sifat moralis mungkin sudah menipis... Yeah like those politicians. But I don't kill people in subtle ways, jadi moral aku masih pada peringkat selamat.

Perasaan ini, ada kaitan dengan perkara-perkara yang aku mahu dan mahu buat tapi belum tercapai, ini satu kemungkinan juga.

A new laptop, acoustic guitar, playstation 2 dan tadi semasa aku pulang mengajar broken English kepada masa hadapan negara aku terfikir.

I need a superbike, a fucking fast superbike.

Kalau orang tanya aku sebabnya?

Aku akan kata, supaya kau boleh bermain dengan nyawa sendiri setiap hari dalam hidup. Riding a bike that can go up to 300km/h is a serious shit that peole don't usually play with. This is dead serious.

Tapi tak apa, kelajuan adalah terapi yang paling bagus untuk orang berjiwa seperti aku.

You see, my neurotic side is dominant now.

Lagi Celebrating Death or Love?

Valentine's day atau hari Valentine, hari pasangan kekasih bertukar-tukar hadiah, ada yang dapat bunga, choclate dan lingerie.

Yeah lingerie, one thing that I would buy my girlfriend, if I were to celebrate Valentine's day. Isn't it good to know that your girl is pretty on the outside and yummy on the inside?

Aku tahu, keji.

Hari itu semua orang meletakkan sayang pada coklat, bunga, branded wathces dan benda yang selalunya orang beri semasa menyambut hari Valentine. Oh ya termasuk lingerie. Superficial  love, love is for a day (or the rest of the day until you are dead) fancy sports car, fancy watches, fancy clothing, fancy shoes and fancy restaurant.

Jadi blogger picisan yang tak berduit macam aku tak boleh bercinta dengan perempuan yang suka benda-benda seperti ini. Its just too...

I don't have the word to desribe it for now, kalau ada aku akan tulis dalam post yang berasingan. This is why I can't write a book. Perlu ada banyak buku untuk perkataan yang aku tak tahu atau lupa.

Anyway, back to the topic.

Thing is why would people celebrate Valentine's day? Perkara ini yang aku tidak faham.

Orang yang ada di tanah tempat kau tinggal dan bercakap guna bahasa yang kau cakap terjemahkan Valentine's day sebagai hari memperingati kekasih.

Look, its "Valentine's day", its Valentine's fucking day, its his day. Why would anyone bother celebrating another person's day? Another person's burial day to be exact. He is dead, so leave the dead man alone. Let him burn in hell peacefully at least.

Atau mungkin ini masa yang sesuai untuk aku gunakan kata-kata:

"One man's death is another man's celebration".

Yeah celebration, because some of the guys got laid on that very day.

Here's an advice for you guys, keep your money. You might need it in the future or even better, send some of it to me so I can buy a new laptop and keep on writing.

Not forgetting a new guitar and a fucking Playstation 2 too.

Esok aku nak sambut hari Henry Miller, yes Henry Miller's day, lebih straight forward dan erotic. Valentine's days are for kids. You can join me once you grow up, especially to those who haven't turn 18 yet.

Seriously.

Odisi

Ini kehidupan, ya benda yang kita sedang buat dan sekarang yang kau sedang baca ini adalah kehidupan.

This is my fucking life in here.

Kehidupan yang aku lalui, aku tukarkan menjadi perkataan dan aku tulis dalam blog ini. I'm a writer of my own life.

Life is getting boring now but people are still following my blog. You guys have your own reasons for that.

Jadi untuk masa ini aku rasa aku penat buat semua benda dalam hidup tapi aku masih ingin hidup. Mungkin aku perlu kembalikan keseimbangan kosmos dalam dunia aku.

To do that, I need something, something that is totally out of this world.

I need a fucking Playstation 2.

Jadi mari ramai-ramai follow blog ini and click on the advert, biar aku dapat beli items dalam list dan terus menulis untuk hiburkan semua orang.

Itu pun kalau kamu terhibur, betul tak?

Let's get physical

I'm not an attractive kind of guy. Not they guy that girls would usually die for... Mungkin masa sekolah dulu ada dua atau tiga orang, dua daripada mereka mati tapi bukan sebab aku.

Aku seorang lelaki yang tak suka tengok bola and I don't really do any kind of sport. I did some golfing back then but the game was too old for me.

Jadi aku joging, untuk jaga badan supaya tidak gendut. Untuk bulan-bulan yang lepas, minggu-minggu yang lepas, hari-hari yang lepas, semuanya baik. I was in shape back then.

I'm still in shape now but my shape isn't that flat anymore. Yeah, aku seorang lelaki yang weight conscious, aku risau kalau ada benda terlebih pada badan aku.

Tapi selepas raya tahun lepas, orang kata dah gemuk. My dad, mom, my whole family made remarks about my abdomen. Aku lebih suka gunakan abdomen daripada perut kerana perkataan abdomen tu buat semua orang bayangkan perut yang ada enam ketulan. Seksi bukan?

Pseudo-seksi.

I'm blaming my mom for cooking good food during hari raya holiday... Now I'm fat.

Now, I don't jog anymore, its too much work. I need to run from the starting point, which is my house and around the housing area. Half way then I'm going to get fucking tired. That's the time when I'll start thinking of home, all the delicious food and my bed.

Jadi aku jumpa jalan penyelesaian. Skipping, yeah jumping rope like an eight year-old girl jumping excitedly. Cuma dalam hal ini, aku cuba melompat dengan lebih professional, ya professional that would isolate my state.

Aku jumpa alternatif baru untuk bersenam tapi it doesn't show any changes. Mungkin sebab aku sibuk menulis daripada bersenam, aku perlu ubah itu.

Hari itu, seorang kawan tegur aku:

"You are getting fat, I can see your stomach, such a turn off".

Well my stomach is not that fat, at least it haven't reach the dato' level yet. But I'm still worried.

Cuma aku suka bila kawan aku kata macam tu.

Because he is gay.

Being such a turn on to gays, that's a nightmare.

Syndrome

Musim cuti, semua orang sedang sibuk berkahwin. Beberapa orang kawan aku memilih untuk mengakhiri zaman bujang mereka, ada seorang yang terpaksa menangguhkan majlis kerana masalah. She freaked out and was forced to hold the reception. Yeah she's like that, its her nature.

Lucky I didn't stay long enough to marry her.

Aku dikelilingi perempuan-perempuan yang teuja bila bercakap pasal kahwin. They constantly plan their marriage (even if they are married?), older girls, older than me I mean. They all have their dream wedding but before that dream guy and in the end, they don't get even a fraction of what they wish for or planned.

Kita tak dapat semua yang kita mahu dalam hidup.

Ada juga yang tidak pernah rasa mahu kahwin. You can't really blame a person for actually having gamophoba. Yeah, kita semua ada istilah klinikal untuk semua benda. We even have a clinical term for people with phobia of long words, hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia.

Back to gamophiobia, you can't really blame a person if the person is gamophobic.

Kerana lelaki dan perempuan mempunyai keupayaan yang sama untuk bunuh perasaan pasangan mereka. And in marriage, your death will be very slow and agonizing. Marriage is full off emotional games that you have to play and win with your partner. Its a fucking war, serious war with cutting edge weaponry, emotional and physical weaponry. 

Cukupla aku menakut-nakutkan orang mengenai perkahwinan.

Seorang perempuan tanya kepada aku:

"What kind of girl would you prefer to be your wife?".

Aku pandang dia, berfikir dan senyum. I could just tell her about the girl of my dream but its pointless. Sebab dia tak boleh beri aku perempuan macam tu.

Jadi aku jawab:

"I would prefer a girl who wouldn't slit my throat and stick the knife straight to my heart and have sex with me when I'm dead. She must also not have halitosis, because that's even worst than killing me in my sleep. Its better to die quick than in agony isn't it?"

My answers never fail to stun people. Its like I had stopped her fucking heart and time when everything around her still moves.

But then its true, you wouldn't want to wake up in the morning with the smell of the public toilet lingering on your nose instead of a pleasant girlish perfume smell would you?

Bad breath kills, keep that in mind.

Drink

Its karma.

Because I always make fun of people who are too cautious about filling their mineral water bottle with any other substances except water.

Aku bangun pagi tadi, capai botol di sebelah katil dan minum...

Kau mahu hidup lama? Jangan letak sabun untuk basuh tandas dalam botol air mineral.

Yeah aku sedar aku minum sabun.

Celebrating death or love?

Am I going to get paid if I celebrate Valentine's Day?

Celebrating your love ones on the burial day of a man?

One thing I don't understand, you love them or you wish them to die sooner?

Culture

Kata Cicero, ahli falsafah stoic dan tak berapa punk:

'Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book."

Dunia sudah berubah... Beberapa tahun dahulu, semasa aku mula menulis blog, dunia blog ini sangat kecil dan sempit.

Aku mula menulis mengenai hidup aku, but back then, writing was not my life nor my life was really in my writing.

Seorang budak berumur belasan tahun menulis mengenai perkara-perkara yang dilalui dalam hidup. I can say that I grew up writing and this blog witnessed almost everything that I've been through in my life since late 2008.

All the deaths and frustrations. Aku tulis semuanya di sini.

I'm still writing and will keep on writing until I lose the will and urge to write.

Sekarang blogspehere semakin besar. Budak umur 11 tahun pun dah ada blog. Writing about personal life never fails to attract attentions and I have a few examples to prove that statement.

The culture is different now. Back then, bloggers don't go around and ask people to be their followers nor ask people to click on their advert.

Tolonglah wahai manusia, this is not myspace okay? Just leave your URL and let people to take the liberty to decide whether or not they want to follow you or click on your 25cent per click advertisement.

I have nothing more to say except, times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a blog or in some cases they even have ten blogs.

Ada benda yang masih tak berubah dari dulu, this you don't have to worry much. Dari dulu hingga sekarang, masih ada orang follow blog sendiri. I don't see anything unusual about that, its part of the culture, isn't it?

Bencana dan masa hadapan

All of a sudden everything comes to a halt.

*Pause*

Note: This post is going to be a little dramatic because, well because I can be dramatic.

***

All of a sudden everything comes to a halt.

Time stopped, the world stopped revolving, everything seems to cease. No gravity, no air and life? Life is turning upside down but since life is slow and dim witted, it reacted a few minutes slower than the other elements. Yeah that's life, or maybe its just my life?

Saat itu aku rasakan semuanya hancur, hati ini dilanda bencana yang besar, semuanya gugur. Bagaikan kiamat dalam ketengangan.

Okay, mungkin ini terlalu dramatik.

Mungkin ini perasaan bangsat yang menimpa, especially when I see my own future parish before me.

Semua ini kerana aku tidak perasan tarikh tutup permohonan kemasukan ke universiti.

Ten years from now, I can see my self, out on the street.

Yeah, di jalanan, sambil aku pakai baju lusuh dan koyak, dengan berkaki ayam. Lalu aku duduk di tepi stesen Putra KLCC sambil pandang manusia-manusia yang sedang sibuk dengan kemewahan. Aku hulurkan tangan dan minta.

"Tolong beri saya suit Armani satu encik? Saya dah lama tak pakai, boleh la? Lepas tu pinjam credit card sekali. Satu pun jadi la, kalau ada platinum lagi bagus. Penat la jadi pengemis oh dan tolong belikan saya coffe dekat San Francisco Coffee alrite?".

Atau

Mungkin keadaan akan lebih baik daripada menjadi pengemis.

Pada masa itu aku, dengan sebuah gitar buruk yang aku beli di flea market. Itu pun dah berlubang-lubang tapi masih ada bunyi sebuah gitar. Masih di stesen Putra KLCC aku bersandar sambil aku petik note-note separa sumbang sambil menyanyi.

This is life, if you see the path you planned to take is obstructed, you can't just give up. Live or die?

Sepuluh tahun lagi, mungkin akan berlaku, mungkin juga tidak. Semasa aku bersandar dengan sebuah gitar, masih berlatar belakangkan kesibukan manusia yang mampu memuaskan nafsu materialist mereka. Aku pandang sekeliling sambil menyanyi:

"Sukarnya, untukku berpisah dengan mu...

Kau kunci, cintaku didalam hatimu..."

Terpaksa sebab masa tu aku tak ada duit, jadi tak boleh memilih lagu apa untuk nyanyi.

I don't think you understand...

You know why is it so hard to understand Scottish???

Sebab lidah dia orang  tak sunat... 

Penyakit

Community websites are the perfect platform to train one self into being a narcissist, absolute narcissist.

Ini bukan benda baru, aku pasti ramai yang pernah melalui perkara ini.

Bila seorang yang kau tak kenal tiba-tiba add as friend dan suruh kau comment pictures dia macam ni:

"hAI, tHx fOR tHe aPprOve! ComMenT piX saYew okay?"

Dalam hati aku semasa sedang membaca: "Kau boleh pergi mati".

Tapi aku sedar, tabiat ini tidak akan mati sendiri. Jadi aku capai senapang Chekhov yang tergantung di dinding. Aku bawa dan aku acukan ke muka dia.

In other words, I browse through her pictures and getting ready to fire.

Aku tinggalkan satu comment pada satu gambar dia:

"Awak ni hodoh la, lain kali jangan la mintak orang coment picture kalau hodoh. BuAng mAsew sAyeW jeW".

Yes aku tembak dia sekali dengan senapang Chekhov itu, dengan harapan dia akan mati. Semua akan mati dan terkubur, jadi tiada permintaan-permintaan bangsat untuk aku pada masa akan datang.

I'm going to delete my myspace account. Its fucking annoying.

Tragic Comedy

Aku termenung dan ketawa seorang diri...

This is so fucking funny and most probably its a sign. A sign for something I don't know.

But I'm all fucked up.

I didn't notice the closing date for university application and now its closed.

Totally blew my chance this year. Now I need to find a way to get more money.

Yes that freaking money and don't tell me that I have to write a book. Sebab kalau aku tulis mungkin hanya ada lima orang yang akan beli, termasuk diri sendiri.

Mantera

I've been writing for years now, with many blogs, articles and maybe one day a book. Itupun kalau aku cukup waras untuk menulis. Kalau tak, mungkin aku hanya aku menulis tanda baca tanpa tulisan, tapi tanda baca tu pun tulisan juga kan?

Yeah, looking at the condition of my brain, I'm not ready to write a book yet.

After all, I think its rather amusing and funny to see my own name printed on a book as the author. Seperti melihat diri sendiri menjadi badut.

I write, ya dalam bahasa Melayunya, aku tulis. Aku gabungkan idea-idea aku dengan idea orang yang pandai atau orang yang aku fikir pandai tak kira sama ada orang itu masih hidup atau mati.

Criticism is something I have to face and this blog is preparing me for something bigger than just a few anonymous commentators.

Semalam ada orang kata bahawa blog aku ini tak ada makna... The guy actually said:

"Tulis lah benda-benda yang best".

Setiap kali aku jumpa orang yang bagi pandangan begini aku akan kata:

"Oh really? Let me read you blog".

Dan beberapa minit selepas itu:

"Your blog is so so damn cool. Can you teach me how to write like that?"

Sambil menjadikan kata-kata Oscar Wilde sebagai mentera:

“The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you".

Nampak? Hidup ini simple, you just have to be a little fake and live a normal live. But don't ever fake your life and pretend to be normal. Abnormality is a gift. But not if you have a few eyes, hands, legs and private parts but still dreaming of becoming a beauty queen. Though this is totally out of the question.

Its all temporary...

As we grow up, we change. From a bitch to a better person or a saint to a bitch or a bitch to eternal bitch.

Today you are young and you go through phases of life, one year after another. Soon before you know it, you are already old and soon after, you are dead.

Kita membesar setiap saat dan berubah, belajar perkara-perkara baru dalam hidup. Belajar bahawa bumi itu sebenarnya seperti bola bukan seperti kuali leper. Belajar menerima tuhan, belajar menerima bumi itu sfera, ada perbezaan hidup antara yang kaya dan miskin and so on.

We grow up and assimilate with these kind of shit in life. Human kind have no choice other than to adapt instead of making things go their way. Unless if one have the capability to shape things the way one desires.

I'm turning 21 thiis year. Dalam tempoh 21 tahun aku hidup di dunia aku sudah capai kejayaan yang besar.

I am still living in this world. Survival, that's the biggest success.

Aku membesar, aku lihat semua yang ada disekeliling aku dan aku elakkan diri daripada dijadikan tapak kasut. Setakat ini belum ada masalah, cuma aku rasa aku tempuh terlalu banyak pada usia yang, seperti yang orang lain kata, setahun jagung.

I don't a shit about what people say about me.

Now I'm 21 years old. In the process of growing up, I've developed some kind of fondness towards pink. No, not the singer, the colour.

Aku mengaku, sekarang aku suka baju pink, pink flip-flop and mungkin akan beralih kepada pink bed sheet.

Mungkin juga aku akan tukar nama kepada "The Pink Melayu".

Yeah dulu aku benci pink... But then you know, nothing lasts forever.

Now you see why I say girls and books are the same...

I claimed the Henry Miller book that I ordered late last year.

The front cover of the book shows a picture of a woman revealing one side of her... Err krisis bahasa, aku rasa perkataan Melayu untuk menyebut anatomi wanita yang sangat seksi ini terhad, jika ada sekalipun bunyinya agak kasar.

Secara peribadi, jika aku gunakan "tetek", bunyinya seperti seorang mat rempit yang sedang terdesak, tapi tak pasti terdesak untuk apa. Tapi perkataan "payudara" pula seperti nama sejenis pokok.

Jangan jadi feminist tiba-tiba, tak kira apa nama panggilannya, bahagian badan ini merupakan kejadian tuhan yang sangat seksi. Oh dan  lelaki jangan jadi hipokrit dan kata "tak seksi pun".

I can surely elaborate more on the topic but lets get on with the story...

My dad took a glimpse at the book  that I just claimed from the customer service counter. Yes, I ordered the book, the book with a girl revealing her breast on the front cover. Sebab hidup ini sudah banyak benda yang biasa, manusia yang terlalu biasa, lebih "plain" daripada definisi "plain" sebenarnya. Jadi aku buat perubahan radikal, bermula dengan bahan bacaan.

He said that I should completely conceal the front cover with a type of paper so no breast can be seen.

Dalam hati aku berkata: "What's the fun of that?"

Sebenarnya secara peribadi aku tidak suka balut buku sampai tak nampak kandungan yang ada pada kulit buku. Aku rasa buku itu seakan-akan mati, semangat buku itu hilang...

Maybe the book will suffocate to death. So I'll just wrap it with a plastic wrapper, walaupun itu sudah melanggar prinsip anti-plastik seorang enviromentalist, I'll elaborate on that soon.

Just click on the link above and you'll see.

Now you know why I always associate books with girls, its pretty clear now isn't it? A book can be that sexy.

Kiamat

The second month of the year and I'm losing the urge to write and I've already written 34 posts and they are all pointless.

Mungkin aku tak dapat cukup motivasi untuk menulis. Yes lack of motivation, no money, I need more money...

Atau mungkin ini adalah satu petanda.

Its the end perhaps, writer's dooms day. Hari kematian, semua idea-idea dari dalam kepala, hari kehancuran segala ideologi dan ayat-ayat sinis. Semua akan ikut mati dengan orang yang dah sedia mati.

My ideas are going 6 feet under.

Dramatic kan?

Its not going to die permanently. it will come back soon. Mungkin semuanya akan baik esok, selepas aku jumpa ubat yang sesuai dan mujarab.

Like they say, a writer would only need: beer, cigarettes and sex to write. Agak mustahil untuk cuba semua itu.

Trying to write naked? Not working. Even porn marathon doesn't work.

Siapa nak jadi ubat aku?

What do you know about life?

Aku jumpa dengan seorang budak perempuan.

A posh girl I might say, one who gets everything in her life without having to work for it. Well maybe she has to work for it, all she has to do is ask.

"Can I want this, that and that, this one and that too and that".

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against rich girls or boys. I only have problems with them when they started teaching me to live life their way and I don't want that kind of lesson in my life.

Bayangkan orang lain ajar kau untuk hidup cara mereka hidup? Buat apa yang mereka buat dan benda-benda lain yang orang ada banyak duit buat?

Thing is, they have all the money they need, for college, daily life and to do additional shopping.

Aku blogger miskin. I don't have that much money...

Jadi bila orang begini ajar aku cara untuk hidup dalam hidup aku, tak kira jika dia cantik, ada kaki panjang atau smart (well smart people usually know their boundries), I would say.

"You seem to know a lot about my life for a person who asks money from her father?"

Ini benda baru, mungkin aku akan guna cara lain untuk beritahu aku tidak suka, this is one of the way.

Plus, she's just 18, she has a lot to learn about life.

The day...

It was a fun day.

All the family members were there, we ate, we laughed, we made humorous anecdotes, dirty ones.

Cuma aku tak pasti semua orang suka dirty jokes.

Its not that I want to voice out all the dirty jokes, I just cant help it.

You know I talk with clean words and a dirty mind. Now you see why?

Sekarang aku perlu rehat, because all the dirty jokes that I told them, it was tiring. Its even harder than arranging words to hit on a girl.

Trust me on that.