Menunggu

Selepas tidak beberapa lama menunggu...

Duit advert yang ada sekarang ini, hanya cukup untuk aku beli kepingan CD kosong dan cetak bahan-bahan porno untuk dijual.

Good investment with wide market, isn't it?

Jadi sekarang ada sesiapa nak jadi pelanggan pertama aku dan jadikan aku kaya sedikit untuk tampung hidup?

Okay, I'll give all of you 30% discount for every purchase, apa macam?

Hello. this is The Plain Melayu and I write things that people don't usually read, shit.

Its only the 23rd day of the month and I've written 30 crappy posts, including this, 31 crappy posts.

Tahun lepas, selepas aku jadi gila dan padam semua entri-entri sampah. Benda-benda yang membesar dengan aku sejak umur aku 18 tahun, well now I'm 21 and starting a new chapter in life but still in the same book. Tak ada banyak benda sebenarnya, sama sahaja kandungan macam sekarang, cuma sekarang, keji sedikit berbanding dulu.

Mungkin masa itu aku masih naif, tidak tahu apa itu sarcasm dan masih terikat dengan etika dalam penulisan. Wtf? This is not some newspaper column.

Ada yang tanya sama ada aku menyesal atau tidak padam all my old contents, aku jawab ya aku regret. Tapi aku akan quote Kierkgaard untuk terangkan keadaan sebenar.

"Do it or not do it - you will regret both."

Now I'm writing again, selepas jiwa berkecamuk dan jadi gila, emotion on crack maybe.

I need to find some freelance job to support my life. Blogger as a career? I don't see myself or this blog heading that way, but you never know.

Now, all I have to do is write less crappy stuff in this blog...

But before that, I have to learn how to write in a less crappy way...

Yeah, blog ini tidak sesuai untuk budak-budak bawah umur, but what the hell, you guys and girls will grow up  pretty soon. What difference does it make?

Pencinta bahasa

I've been writing for years now, well maybe not that long.

Started with a short essay then to article when I was 15 and started writing seriously or maybe partially serious when I was 18. That was the time I got my first job.

Selama aku menulis, aku dikelilingi pencinta bahasa, both English and Malay language lovers.

Not just that, they are also grammar freaks, both English and Malay grammar freaks.

Mereka sangat sensitif tentang bahasa, bila bercakap mengenai elemen-elemen yang kau tak pernah dengar sebelum ini.Kumpulan ini boleh bertindak memukul golongan lain yang mencemarkan bahasa... That's a maybe of course.

Mungkin mereka akan lebih marah jika membaca orang menulis begini:

akuw nak pewgy atau aq rse mngkin dye x phm bhase atau ak tk tawu dye jew yunk naks dtg...

Mahu contoh grammar bahasa Inggeris yang berterabur? Read this blog.


Dalam dunia mereka, orang yang menulis bertentangan dengan hukum-hukum ini dikira berdosa besar, haram dan boleh kena hukum tembak atau kena baling batu. Aku tak pernah jumpa orang yang bersungguh-sungguh marah bila jumpa orang salah eja perkataan atau salah susun perkataan.

Tiba-tiba dia keluarkan ayat keramat, ayat yang akan buat semua orang tergamam dan pandang dia dengan penuh kagum:

"You know, Mark Twain once said:

'Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use'".

Maknanya bunyi kucing bergaduh lagi sedap daripada membaca tulisan seperti contoh di atas.

Jadi tak payah perasan comel, okay?

Naked

Books, they are like girls, well maybe that's too much.

Mungkin lebih tepat kalau aku kata, aku sayang buku-buku aku macam aku sayang perempuan-perempuan aku. Maybe that's too much too, but nevermind.

Its just that, kalau aku ada banyak buku. aku tak kisah tapi kalau aku ada banyak perempuan, I guess that situation will give me tons of headache. You know what I mean.

Thing is with books, I think they are sexier wrapped than naked.

Sebelum aku bersenggama dengan buku-buku aku di atas katil atau di mana-mana sekalipun, aku akan balut buku itu kemudian baru aku baca. I won't read a book that is not wrapped yet. Mungkin sebab aku freak atau that's my girlish side.

Kadang-kadang aku terbawa-bawa sebenarnya dengan tabiat ini sebab kadang-kadang juga aku rasa perempuan pakai purdah itu sexy. You see the problem with me?

Jadi sekarang aku nak pergi sambung balut perempuan-perempuan aku err I mean buku-buku aku...

Oh yeah and the girls who took my books and never return it to me, they are freaking lucky for not having to waste their time wrapping those books. Wtf?

Philosophy of sensitivity...

I used to have a friend, a girl friend or shall I say a school sweet heart. Not high-school, primary school, I was in standard 6 when I had a crush on her until I was 15.

The girl that I used to like, she's a person who doesn't care about sensitivity, but the she is the sensitive kind of person.

Seorang perempuan yang tidak tahu jaga perasaan orang lain tapi mahu orang lain jaga perasaan dia. Mungkin pada waktu itu dia keliru and she was just 15, what do you expect?

So I decided to play along and be like here.

"So what are you planning to do after you have finished school?", dia tanya when we met, well 5 years ago or maybe 4.

We were enjoying our coffee dan aku jawab:

"Maybe I'll be doing English literature or music, depending on my results".

"Literature? That's interesting".

Aku pandang dia dan senyum sinis:

"Fun? Its boring and I don't think you would like it", because I sent a few poetry to well win her heart and she said that I got the wrong person, means that she don't like those poetry I sent her so I stopped.

"No, I think its interesting..."

Aku hirup sedikit kopi dan kata:

"Well then maybe you are just as boring as I am", and you should see the look on her face.

Now, she is somewhere doing her studies and yeah she didn't even reply my messages on YM.

Dia ingat dia cute dia boleh buat dan cakap apa yang dia suka?

Understanding the end...

Banyak benda dalam hidup yang kita pilih untuk belajar, pilih untuk cuba faham, its just that we can't. Its either we are too stupid or the thing we are trying to comprehend, it refuses to let us understand.

I'll go for the second one.

Its just meant to be like that I guess, even when you have emptied your fucking cup you still cant grasp the basic essence of the matter. Aku pernah lalui keadaan ini dulu, a few years back, when I still have, well maybe love by my side, literally.

She was dying, love was dying...

And she said to me:

"Why don't you just leave me and go on, find other girls. I'm sure you'll find one who is fit enough so you wont have to deal with this boring routine accompanying me in my room".

Ini bukan kali pertama dan tak kira berapa kali aku terangkan dia tetap akan ulang benda yang sama. Jadi aku dah biasa dan aku diamkan diri.

Dia duduk di tepi katil dan pandang aku, I was sitting on a chair, facing her.

"Kenapa you diam? I'm talking to you, sekarang I rasa you patut cari orang lain. Just leave me please? I tak nak you susahkan diri you, being with me. You know I'm not going to live long enough to be with you...".

Air mata dia mengalir, I can hear her sad voice. Kata-kata yang dia keluarkan tadi, she didn't really mean it. I'm sure of that.

"What are you saying? I'm not going to leave you", I wiped the tears off her face.

Aku pegang tangan dia dan biarkan bilik itu kosong, yang ada hanya suara tangisan.

"You know I'll stay with you till the end, kan?"

She nodded her head, smiled and she hugged me but she was still crying.

Now I'm older but she didn't get the chance to see me grow, didn't have the chance to see what I have become.

She died a few months after this conversation, then I realized:

The reason I didn't understand her was because, she was in a different world or was getting ready to get into a different world.

And I can't be with her in that world.

World as we see it today

John Acton an English historian and moralist when he commented on tyranny:

"Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely. All great men are almost always bad men".


Tapi itu tahun 1887. Satu abad selepas itu Pyan Habib pula berkata:

"Kita semua berada dalam wilayah cerdik pandai".

So its the matter whether power corrupts the person who posses the power or the person who is in power corrupts power? Kalau berada dalam wilayah cerdik pandai maknanya kuasa tidak akan mempengaruhi cerdik pandai sebab... Oh nevermind..

Now its 2010 dan aku kata:

"Well I guess there's nothing much that we can do, so fuck it. Fuck power, fuck corruption and fuck everyone".

 Got the point?

How to seduce a wowan... Or perhaps women.

Cassanova, the famous seducer. Semua orang kenal lelaki yang tidur dengan 122 orang perempuan sebelum dia mati. I bet now he is rolling in his grave.

Sebelum the old man Cassanova mati, dia ada tulis satu kitab or shall I say a reference book for all men who wants to seduce girls.

Dalam tu dia kata, the first thing that we should do to seduce a woman is very basic and undeniably looks very studpid.

Thing is, Cassanova tulis langkah yang asas ini dalam bahasa Melayu. It goes like this.

"Langkah pertama untuk memastikan tidak kira jika perempuan itu mat salleh atau minah dekat mana-mana, kita perlu menitik beratkan benda-benda yang nampak bodoh tetapi sebenarnya penting. Jangan lupa, perempuan akan mengambil perhatian terhadap perkara-perkara kecil. Jadi langkah pertama dalam menggoda wanita adalah:

Gelak sampai keluar air liur."

Aku dah cuba, works like a charm.

I bet Cassanova will shit in his grave when he finds out about this.

And yeah I'm just kidding about this shit.

Percubaan futile untuk berhenti menulis.....

Kata Carl Jung, kawan Freud untuk gossiping:

"The word  'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness".


Itu kata Carl Jung, mengenai kesedihan dan kegembiraan. If there isn't even a fraction of sadness in your life then happy would be just a plain feeling.

Ada satu saat dalam hidup kau, bila benda sedih terjadi, you will stop being yourself, stop doing things that you love to do, stop living life the way you did and ultimately its possible that you would stop loving and living.

Well we don't want to see anyone reaching the last part of the sentence.

I've been in that state, everything seems to cease. I don;t care about the sun, the moon or any fucking things in life. I was in my world, dreaming about things that I wish would lasts with me at least until I'm ready to let go.

But life is not that fair and its not totally unfair. Its the way of life for you to gain something and lose something at the same time. Soon before you know it, you've lost everything you have ever had and loved.

Aku bangun dari mimpi itu dan kembali hidup dan berfikir. Teringat kata Nietzsche:

“I still live, I still think: I still have to live, for I still have to think."

But then in my case, its a little different.

I want to live and think, so I write. That's the only way I can keep myself in reality and sanity.

So that pretty much shows that I can't stop writing. Mungkin aku akan terus menulis bila aku dah jadi gila aku dan orang akan suka apa yang aku tulis sebab semua yang baca ikut aku jadi gila.

Now I'm not sad, well maybe I still am but that kind of sadness. I'm just sad because I'm plain broke for I don't make much from blogging and being a freelance writer, I don't have any job now.

Maybe they were right, I should write a book. But that might be a problem too.

I cant really write things like "fuck" and "shit" and "bitch" in Malaysia.

Terutama sekali bila aku terjemahkan dalam bahasa Melayu. Bayangkan?

Parley 2

I almost forgot...

Aku nak jual diri aku, siapa nak beli? For a new laptop and guitar (again don't take it literally).

Parley

Aku mungkin akan berehat daripada menulis seketika.

Berunding dengan emosi, idea dan inspirasi. Those fucking things, they are not on my side now. They are with... Well never mind that.

Sekarang aku kena cari benda lain nak buat, aku nak pergi jual diri (don't take it literally please).

Have you seen my childhood?

It was 1995, I was just a 6 year old boy who listened to Micheal Jackson and followed his cool dance move. Sometimes I would just let myself fly with the sound of guitar solo from No Doubt's, Don't Speak. It was complicated back then, I listened to things that children my age don't even have any idea about.

Masa kau umur 5 tahun, kalau aku sebut Wild Cherry mesti kau ingat buah yang ada dekat atas birthday cake.

Now, I can play most of the songs I grew up with. Which I didn't really expect to happen when I was 6 and it was 1995.

Pada masa itu juga aku selalu termenung dan biar imaginasi bawa aku pergi kemana juga, see its fun being kids. Especially after I watched this movie. I want to be the spaceman character and have all my toys come to live.

Its 2010, 15 years after the time when I was 6 with tons of imagination.

I have a 6 year old brother, sekarang dia sedang termenung.

Sebab dia nak jadi Bumblebee dalam Transformers.

Dia tanya kepada aku:

"Along, mana nak cari muka, helmet dengan badan macam bumblebee?"

This is a really good training, you know getting ready for any possibilities. If you know what I mean.

Revolusi tapi ini bukan lagu indie

Aku rasa aku patut jadi lebih romantic, puitis tetapi tidak quote kata-kata orang yang dah mati, well not all of them.

Mungkin aku patut embrace my youth, stop being a witty old man dan enjoy life.

Jadi jika aku mengurat, instead of quoting Shakespeare (walaupun dia gay):

"I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap and buried in thy eyes" and those kind of shit. No, aku akan berhenti. Bersara (walaupun sementara), I need to find something new and fresh untuk hit on girls.

Mungkin sekarang aku patut quote Reshmonu, very simple:

"Its you that matters" yes its the title of his song, a nice one.

Mungkin juga aku perlukan sesuatu lebih radikal, sesuatu yang penuh dengan perasaan ghairah dan nafsu. Please take note that I have to deliver this to a girl, so I have to do it in a very subtle way, okay maybe not subtle. Its just that I don't want her to scream after I tell her this thing.

Jadi untuk menyampaikan keghairahan aku terhadap perempuan itu, sebab aku muda and stuff, we just go straight to the point.

And I quote him.

Cuma aku tak boleh tulis apa yang dia kata dalam blog ini...

And you know why.

Terbang dan mendakap awan.

I need to take a break, from writing of course.

Its to messy in here, you can see the words, you know.

Sekarang aku perlu susun setiap idea dari A to Z dan dari satu hingga infiniti. Aku perlu kemas segala emosi dan letak semuanya balik ke tempat masing-masing.

Perlu jumpa kawan-kawan penulis aku yang dah mati, mungkin juga perlu naik ke pentas, petik gitar dan melalak kembali.

But I guess it doesn't matter, termasuk kau dan aku, juga lapan orang yang lain. Semuanya hanya 10 orang yang baca blog ini.

Jadi tak signifikan sangat kalau tak update.

Maybe I was being too harsh but what the hell....

Scene: While I was teaching some 12 year old kids English language, we were doing vocabulary.

Seorang budak yang kuat bercakap tak henti-henti, perkataan-perkataan absurd keluar daripada setiap inci bibir yang terbuka.

Wtf? This is fuckingly annoying. Its okay, I can overcome this, small problem.

Selepas aku penat melayan budak yang mengganggu kelas, I said that's it, no more mister nice guy.

"Awak boleh pay attention tak dalam class saya and stop interrupting when I'm explaining things? Lagi sekali awak buat macam tu saya tampar awak", dengan nada yang garang well pseudo garang dan threatening, pseudo threatening.

Dia duduk, diam dan tak bercakap. Aku teruskan penerangan mengenai how important to know a lot of words and from words we move to phrases and sentences.

Tiba-tiba dia angkat tangan dan tanya sesuatu.

"Cikgu, what is volleyball?".

Aku pandang dia dan senyum: "Bola tampar".

Irony of life I might say. It always bites you in the ankle well in this case a slap in the face.

Short term plans

Kawan-kawan aku, my guitarist friends they all have names for their guitars.

Perempuan yang main gitar semuanya namakan gitar mereka Brian, Nick dan macam-macam nama lagi. As for my guy friends, aku rasa nama Doris on a guitar is quite cute at the same time macam porn star.

"Doris's nocturnal activities" ini cuma tajuk cerita porno yang aku ajar kepada budak-budak dalam kelas English untuk upper form. Its just a title, nothing more.

My friends, they all condemned my action of selling the guitar.

From my observation, most of my friends who have their guitar named after a boy or a girl will stay with it, even after they are married to a real men or women.

Mungkin itu jalan penyelesaiannya, beri nama pada gitar.

But then there's another problem, I can't rely on my advert money to buy a new guitar nor a laptop. Aku perlukan kedua-dua benda itu dalam masa yang sama. Its a 50-50 thingy.

Bila aku dapat a new guitar aku akan beri nama pada gitar dan mungkin aku akan berfikir dua kali untuk menjual benda seksi yang boleh keluarkan bunyi yang aku suka dan ada nama.

After this I would have to think on how to stop my self from selling my girlfriends err I mean to make a girl stay with me long enough maybe even marry me.

Tapi selepas kahwin aku perlu fikir cara untuk tidak bosan dan jual isteri aku err I mean to make my wife stay with me until the end.

You know what I mean.

Would you suggest writing as a career?

I love writing, its my life or I shall say my life is in my writings.

Aku terfikir untuk jadi penulis sepenuh masa, I'm going to start with blogging.

Been thinking a lot about this thing, mungkin aku tak cukup bakat, I write for my satisfaction. If my writing happens to be some kind of therapy or something that attracts people resulting whoever reading it to like it, mungkin itu accidental (kemalangan?).

After all, the content of this blog, its all fucked up. I doubt any advertisers would even consider appointing me and this blog as their product endorser.

And they tell me that I should write a book?

Maybe in another 10 years

Next week, a friend of mine, seorang lelaki berjaya dalam hidup. He is getting married, for the second time, maybe second attempt. Previously his fiancee left him and its not his fault and how ironic he will be marrying a girl who is also in the same position as his, not her fault too. But then they are one handsome couple, maybe they are sane and at the same time insane enough to tolerate each others' flaws and weaknesses. I need that now.

Aku pernah tanya ayah aku sesuatu mengenai perkahwinan, about how can he wake up with the same woman for more than 20 years. Dia kata aku gila, cepat bosan dan haven't found the right girl perhaps.

I'm easily bored when I'm with the wrong girl. Maybe we are not on the same level of thinking, mungkin aku bodoh sikit, atau dia bodoh sikit or we just cant understand each other or refuse to do so.

Humans, we need at least something or someone to accompany us in every step of our lives. Whether its another person that we called boyfriend of girlfriend, things that we love and etc.

Like me, I have my books and my guitar.

Some of us would even title our valuable belongings or things that we love as our wife, husband, 1st, 2nd or 3rd boyfriend or girlfriend.

I personally say that my guitar is my wife or girlfriend. My 1st girlfriend when I'm single and the 2nd when I have a real girlfriend with me. Yeah my fucking life.

Jadi semua orang faham gitar aku adalah teman wanita yang aku sayang, aku bila aku tak ada teman wanita atau ada teman wanita kan (benda yang sama sebenarnya)?

Seorang kawan kata pada aku:

"You are that kind of person who would get bored with a girl in 3 days and then you need to find another one. How are you going to get married?"

Aku dengan muka bosan:

"How do you know? You never date me."

"You kata guitar you tu your so called wife and you tak akan jual no matter what. I thought you love that guitar? Look what happened to that guitar?"

"Yeah, I sold the guitar because I need the money?"

Dia tahu aku malas nak layan conversation begini tapi, lets just say that she that persistent:

"I wonder what will happen to your real wife".

"Depends maybe I'll sell her because she's such a pain in the ass, boring or maybe I need money to buy a new guitar to replace her. At least gitar tak menyakitkan hati?".

"Ah letih la cakap dengan you ni".

Of course I was just kidding.

Colourless

It was Friday, everyone was on red alert earlier today , well maybe red alert is a bit overboard to describe the situation. Fuck it, I don't even see the demonstration since I was out with my dad, he took every possible shortcuts to avoid the traffic.

Jadi aku terfikir, pencarian buku dah gagal. Aku tak jumpa buku yang aku nak macam biasa...

So I was sitting in the car about the objective on going out that day, my dad was driving so it was a relaxing day for me. Don't have to put up with all the driving pressure. Aku termenung, sebenarnya merenung punggung seorang lelaki yang sedang berjalan ke keretanya. Its like observing life, nothing more, aku pun ada punggung its just that I need something to look and and think about.  Lagipun if I write something a little too porn about girl here, mungkin lebih ramai feminists akan serang. Jadi instead of being straight lets explore my gay side.

My eyes was still on the middle age guy, he was walking passionately to his car. Maybe at that time he needed to go to the toilet, he ate boiled eggs and some nasi lemak with spicy sambal. That might be the reason that resulted that kind of walking.

I need to have an objective, benda itu datang tiba-tiba dalam kepala aku. Yes I need to find pink boxers. Like usual whenever I want things, its not available, the size was too big for me.

So I got my self a pink t-shirt., untuk sedapkan hati.

Dalam kereta, semasa dalam perjalanan balik semasa dalam kereta, on old man in the driver's seat said something:

"Maybe untuk orang yang rabun warna, colour pink tu la yang paling menarik".

Aku sarungkan baju pink itu dan pandang ke luar tingkap, yeah I had my gay shirt on but I'm not gay, yet.

Between constitution and racism...

Maybe this is just another way to tell people that muslim's in Malaysia do not agree with the issue involving the name of god.

So now its the constitution against every other things in this nation.

Maybe we are all to smart for our own selves.

Satu benda lagi

I don't give a shit if people don't like the way I think, speak, write or things that I read.

You cant please everyone in this world, if everybody has the capability to please everybody in this world, life would be how shall I put this: less bitchy?

But I have one problem...

Its a problem when life is plotting with those haters to go against me.

Jangan la sampai advert pun ikut benci aku. The money is not increasing and I need the freaking money.

And I'm getting fat, damn.

You just have to see what I see...

This post mungkin tak akan dapat any hate comments.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing, took the wrong turn, choosed the red pill instead of blue dan semua metafora atau semantik yang menggambarkan bahawa aku mengambil keputusan yang salah.

No, its not about the thing I wrote yesterday.

Orang selalu persoalkan apa yang aku buat. Why this and why that, why not this and why not that?

Kenapa aku tak further study and why aku tak cari kerja with bigger salary? Aku tahu aku akan penat nak jawab. Its my fucking life, my parents gave me the freedom to determine the course of my life. In the end I will bear the consequences.

People tell you to do stuff, cuba nak dictate hidup kau dan berikan falsafah-falsafah sampah, life is short, ilmu lebih penting daripada wang and stuff. Kalau ada orang beritahu aku untuk buat itu dan ini and bagi aku jalan penyelesaian instead of banyak cakap. Then its okay.

You don't help people by telling or suggesting, well in my case, it doesn't work. You don't have to feed me but at least tell me something new, that would really help.

Trust me, we have our own fight in life. We fight and we are going to keep on fighting, alone. 

Sekarang, aku rasa hidup aku setuju dengan apa yang aku lakukan.

Jadi bila orang tanya aku soalan seperti:

"Tak rasa rugi ke tak pergi belajar macam orang lain? You are wasting you time now".

Aku akan bagi jawapan simple.

"What rugi? I'm not wasting my time, I'm just exchanging my time for money".

Unless if you have a better way.

Paradigm shift

Guys seems to have extreme fondness towards girls with boobs but less brains or girls who tend to use their boobs to think? Whichever comes first, you choose.

I'm trying my best to be polite here, kerana ada kemungkinan perempuan yang menggunakan boobs untuk berfikir akan jadi teman wanita aku. Mungkin aku akan gembira masa itu.

Kemudian the shallow side of me said:

"A perfect girl to me is a girl who has breasts and ass, maybe beautiful pair of legs too, but that's not really necessary".

Aku tak ingat daripada cerita apa, maybe Pret a porter. Yeah my shallow side. Memang suka petik kata-kata berunsur porno tapi benar daripada orang lain.

I'm thinking, since guys like girls with boobs than brains, I bet girls will admire shallow guys who would admire only their boobs and asses.

Dewi payudara?

Jadi sekarang aku nak jadi seorang shallow guy yang hanya mementingkan payudara dan juga punggung pada seorang perempuan instead of brains.

I want to be a "himbo", yeah that's it.

Mungkin akan dapat seorang teman wanita.

And yeah this is this year's resolution, maybe.

The way to the future

Aku sedang protest.

LIfe is not easy anymore. I mean its not in the state of "not easy" anymore, its now, getting harder. Maybe the year increased to 2010. The bigger the number, the harder life would get.

Well that's just a theory.

Banyak benda dalam hidup, kita terlepas pandang atau mungkin kita tak mahu pandang.

Aku teringat kata-kata Kierkegaard:

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards".

This is pretty much true, in some cases.

Tapi semalam aku pergi ke kedai, while living my live forward and understanding life backwards.

Cuma hairan  and ada masalah untuk comprehend bila aku nampak...

Harga roti naik kepada RM 3.00?

Oh dan terdengar kenyataan seorang publice figure:

"Tidak ada guna kerajaan membelanjakan  RM1 billion untuk bahan yang memudaratkan (gula) rakyat Malaysia".

Is this the future?

Welcome to 2010 folks!
.

Hampir new year resolution

So its the same routine.

Setiap kali tahun baru semua orang tanya about my fucking resolution. Semua orang ada itu, ini untuk dilakukan, well I do have mine cuma aku rasa benda ini tak begitu significant, you know to help you change.

We do what we do, if we cant do it, we try harder. When its too hard to try, we'll just try it another year.

That's pretty much the idea isn't it?

Jadi tahun ini aku dah kata pada diri sendiri.

"This year, I want to live and love like a normal person".

Yeah, new year spirit.

Now all I need is a girlfriend.

I told you I'm going to be ok, didn't I?

"I talked about you with my parents you know..."

I was talking to her sister the other day.

"So did he say anything?"

Dia agak berat nak cakap mengenai perkara ini, all her family members don't really talk about her depart with me. They just keep quiet and pretend that things never happened.

Walaupun aku dah kata its okay to talk about the late girlfriend of mine. I'm okay with it. But they don't want to, mungkin takut aku terjun bangunan.

"He said that you should really let her go, first step, delete the other blog of yours. You can't live in memories forever. You can't stay with her forever".

Aku hirup hot choclate itu perlahan-lahan sambil pandang ke dalam mata dia.

"I can't..."

Dengan muka bosan dia kata:

"Why? You can't be like this forever you know?"

Aku senyum...

"Not because of that, I need the other blog for my advert, it really helps you know".

Dia jeling dan senyum... She knows I'm back on track or at least that's what she thinks.

Best to leave it alone...

Humans, yeah we humans. We can never be content. Though we have one thing that we want we will still crave for more.

Now, they want to take other people's belongings and make it theirs.

Yeah, they aren't happy just to have one god, they want to take ours, though only by the name.

An advice, why don't you stick to your own shit and we'll stick to ours?

Its all about the... Read and you'll know.

December just left us, well 2009 just left us for 2 days.

Thing is about December, everything was very slow. Its like a slow motion video of everyday life.

Tapi aku tak ada apa nak complaint cuma, satu masalah.

Bila bulan December tiba, duit akan kurang. Kurang kerja dan lebih berbelanja.

So I cant buy a freaking now laptop yet.

So I come up with an idea. 

Kalau letak account number dekat blog ini agak-agak ada orang bagi sumbangan tak?

Aku blogger miskin, mind you.

Maybe they have something against crazy guy...

Earlier today I went to Mutiara, was hoping that I would get at least one book from my "wanted books" list.

Buku-buku yang aku cari, untuk sebab-sebab tertentu yang aku tak tahu memang susah jumpa. Even in Kinokuniya the other day I had to place order for that Miller book.

Jadi aku mula cari, kononnya nak tunjuk hebat dan cari sendiri tapi tak berjaya sebab aku rasa memang buku tu tak ada.

I went to the information counter and the girl seemed so busy doing things that I'm not sure about.

Aku buat muka mesra walaupun sedang meahan neraka dalam hati yang meluap-luap. Imagine going to all three book stores and can't find shit?

Perasaan akan jadi kacau dalam situasi begini, it almost felt like life is rejecting me. But that's too dramatic.

Aku tanya kepada perempuan yang menjaga kaunter:

"Excuse me, can you please help me with some books. Can't seem to find it".

"Sure, a lot of books or just one?"

Aku fikir dan kerutkan dahi.

"Well a few perhaps".

She turned the computer screen towards me and said:

"Shoot".

I don't know why I keep meeting girls who happens to work in bookstores and speaks with cute American accent. Maybe its a sign, cuma tidak jelas untuk apa. Maybe its just in my head sebab aku sewel.

Gave her a title and an author after another semua tak ada. No stock. Aku beri lagi satu nama...

"Try Friedrich Nietzsche".

She had some trouble spelling the name but its okay. Aku cuma kata:

"What a fancy name for a dead guy huh?"

Well yeah, she was a bit shocked.

I can't help it. Mulut memang agak celupar bila cari sesuatu dan tak jumpa, though I went to three fucking different places.

Another memory...

Dalam hidup ada banyak persoalan. Benda-benda cerdik atau bodoh yang ditanya, sometimes we don't have the answer to all the questions. Maybe this happens all the time.

My late girlfriend once was a girl with a lot of questions. She would ask me anything about everything or almost everything. Aku dapat jawab mungkin hampir semua walaupun tak semua. I'm not that smart after all.

It was three in the morning and it was the second week of her kimo treatment.

She was weak that morning, cant sleep. I can see that she was all worn out, as if the nature is draining her life out of her.

Pagi itu dia hanya perlukan teman berbual, tapi dia tidak tanya apa-apa yang susah. Cuma tanya how was my day. About school and whether I'm ready for my coming examinations.

Tiba-tiba suasana senyap menyelubungi... I was sitting beside her bed and she looked at me and smiled.

Dia tanya:

"What date is today?"

"Its the 18th sayang..."

I don't know the purpose she asked me the date until the next day. The day she departed.

Dia hanya tanya benda yang dia mahu tahu and I guess that time she tried to tell me that she was going to leave me the next day.

Its just that, she told me by asking me a simple question.

Beyond comprehension

Thing about human is... We seem to question everything without the willingness to understand.

Don't question things that you don't know and don't even want to comprehend.

Don't even question me.

This empty mind...

The year has come to an end. Just like other things with a beginning and an end.

Soon we will start on a new page, new chapter for some maybe in the same book, as for others they prefer to start with a new one. Some would still remain on the same page.

Yesterday is today and tomorrow... is just the same like yesterday and the day before that.

Life is full of uncertainties, we have to endure the paradox and the irony of life. Things that we go through everyday whether with a taste of bitterness or sweetness... It is all just tests that we have to go through in order to live.

Through out the year, in our own world... We face a lot of things that we can never imagine how to deal with.

In our everyday routine we face obstacles that others could never even imagine how to deal with. We walked, ran, jumped and fell, yet we still keep our head up high.

Time plays a vital role in life, be it in your or my life. Time could give something to us and it also take something away from us.

Its just a matter of time...

And in time also you'll fall in love, meet someone that you really want to spend the rest of your life with. In time also, you might fall out of love and the person that you love will leave and eventually death.

Its the nature of life to gain something and lose something. Humans are bound to rules that we cant have everything that we want. Losing is the toughest part of life. From losing you valuables to loved ones, they are all painful.

In the end, we will realize that in life, we have our own battle to fight. Our own life to live and a person that we should love unconditionally. Regardless of how cliche one might think this is, you cant escape the facts of life.

No matter how hard it is to live, no matter how hard it is for you to bear with life, no matter how unlucky you think you are just remember that.

Life is a gift, every step you take in life by living is an achievement. The moment you wake up from your deep sleep and open your eyes, is an achievement, making decisions is an achievement.

Enduring life, is the biggest achievement of all.

Its ironic to know that life is a stage and we are the actors and actresses but there are no lenses capturing every moment in everyone's life. I wish it could be done... So I can put it on replay and remember everything, everything that is now gone.

To those who have lost their love ones, there's nothing we can do about it except to pray for them. So they will be in a better place. All of them shall live in memories and always close to our hearts.

To those who are still around, take a moment and look around. Appreciate every moment in life when there is still some for us. Appreciate everybody around us while they are still with us.

Because we never know when the time will come and it might be too late then..

This is another ending.

Happy new year 2010 folks!