Komplikasi

Manusia dicipta untuk kerumitan. We were specially designed to be complicated, that is why when it comes to complication, we are very good at it. Setiap inci yang ada pada diri manusia, emosi, reproduksi, ideologi, pemikiran dan benda-benda lain semuanya rumit.

Jadi untuk mengukuhkan kenyataan aku, aku bawa satu kes.

Aku bangun daripada tidur. Termenung di atas katil dan berfikir. I was thinking for real, no more being shallow. Cuba alihkan segala fantasi seksual daripada atas katil, sole reason, kerana tiada perempuan.

Tiba-tiba aku terfikir ada benda yang hilang. Mungkin baru, mungkin juga dah lama hilang...

Jadi misi seterusnya untuk cari satu benda yang hilang, no matter what it takes or how long it takes. I have to find this thing.

Walaupun aku tak tahu apa yang hilang dan apa yang perlu dicari.

You see what I mean?

Sesat dalam transition

There are many things in life that we failed to understand. Its a stage filled with casts of different characters playing in a paradoxical play.

Life is confusing, its just like that. Kita cuma boleh tanya kenapa, kenapa dan kenapa seterusnya cari jawapan. There is a possibility that we will find only an answer for that very question but then again we might find some answers for the same question.

One thing that I don't understand when I see it,

Kenapa perempuan boleh tahan dengan teman lelaki yang berperangai macam babi?

Is it because the girl is deeply infatuated sampai dia tak kisah lelaki tu buat dia macam anjing? Maybe this is harsh but this is happening.

How can a girl stand a boyfriend who would spill everything that was supposed to be personal at last semua orang tahu? Not just that, I don't understand girls who can stand guys who treat them like shit?

Aku tahu nisbah lelaki against perempuan is like 10 to 1 but I'm sure there are better guys out there.

This is the main reason why I don't date guys, aku tak suka lelaki sebab most of them ada potensi untuk morph into a pig.

Aku terkecuali and I'm single too you know.

Jalan menuju pembaharuan (Neo-minded)

I enjoyed being a teacher though only for 6 months.

Masa aku mengajar dengan hanya berbekalkan sebatang marker pen dan mengajar budak-budak erti anarki, siapa Nietzsche and taught them how to think differently. Aku mahu tukar cara budak-budak lihat dunia dan kehidupan.

Or in other words, I want them to be like me. Jadi bila semua dah besar aku akan ada beratus orang seperti aku. See things the way I see, handle things the way I handle. Biar mereka tahu bahawa sebenarnya 1 + 1 boleh jadi 2 dan kadang-kadang boleh jadi 11. Biar mereka tahu its not wrong to drink and eat in the class. Tapi ada minor setback here:

Me: "Okay today kita akan belajar about money, berapa ramai yang simpan duit dan tak boros?"

Ada a few yang angkat tangan.

Me: "Very good, semua orang tahu kita kena simpan duit. Simpan sikit-sikit lama-lama jadi?"

Seluruh kelas sambung ayat aku dan kata:

"Bukit!"

Simpan duit lama-lama jadi bukit? Wtf? How are you going to spend your fucking money kalau semua dah jadi bukit?

You see, I just have to change the way they think.

Maybe he should grow up a little more

A few nights ago, something woke me up from my deep sleep.

Celaka, I can never go to bed early. Macam kehidupan memang tak bagi aku peluang untuk tidur awal or my freaking biogical clock is all messed up. Antara dua, pilih salah satu.

Jadi aku bangun dan made my way to the living room, my brother was watching Babylon A.D.

Aku duduk sebelah dia dan kata:

"Something is not right, along rasa macam tak sedap hati. Tak tahu kenapa".

Yeah aku memang rasa tak sedap hati, as if something is going to fall apart, end, parish, kiamat, celaka, bangsat, lahanat, brengset dan semua yang ada.

Sambil tengok tv adik aku kata:

"Dah tau kenapa, hati along tak sedap kan? Sebab kurang garam and ajinamoto".

Fine, aku tersalah orang.

I need a time machine...

Life changes rapidly.

Kita tinggalkan almost everything everyday, a day of our lives, our teenage days, every minute we spent with our love ones and more. More for some people more shit than nice things like me.

Beberapa tahun dahulu aku ada beberapa orang teman wanita. Yeah ramai, beberapa. I was young and I'm still young what do you expect? It's just that now, I am young and single.

Back then, we would sit together and talk. Yeah just talk.

The girl would look at me and say that I was the best thing that has ever happened to her and all the perfect things. Walaupun aku cuma seorang lelaki plain yang neurotic, nothing special about that.

But that was 3 years ago...

Now.

Bila perempuan nampak aku lebih-lebih lagi jika dia kenal aku dia akan kata.

"What happen to your hair? You are losing it".

Celaka. No more sweet words?

Aku dah beritahu hidup berlalu dengan pantas kan? Now my hair is joining the "Rapid changes in life" club.

Decent conversation

I was driving, with my brothers. We talked and talked, tiba-tiba teringat tentang penindasan orang kulit hitam. They watched Men of Honor, about a black guy being oppressed, can't get into the white men's position or clan or whatever you know the drill.

So I reminded the boys. Aku cuma kata:

"We shouldn't treat people based on their skin colour. Manusia semuanya sama, men, women, black or white even yellow. We are all the same, jadi tak ada sebab kenapa we have to treat other people differently if they are black or white or brown"

Adik aku dengar dan diam... I know its freaking boring so added.

"Tapi ada exception".

Yeah aku selalu ada exception untuk ini, for that and for whatever.

"It doesn't matter if the person is black, white or yellow, tapi kalau perangai macam babi they will be just pigs. Tangkap dan jual, that's what we do with pigs. Kita buat duit.".

Seen any pigs lately guys?

It's just another memory

I was tidying up my room. It was a mess I mean still in a complete mess since I just managed to settle the bookshelf.

Sudah berhabuk semuanya. Aku kemas buku-buku aku, lihat satu persatu. Cuba ingat sesuatu mengenai buku-buku yang aku ada. Yeah I have a lot of memories with my books.

Tiba-tiba aku jumpa buku lama, a girl gave it to me. A girl that I once loved but god took her away to a better place.

Sekarang aku ingat.

Yeah now I remember how much I loved her and I still miss her.

On top of that I miss being in love...

Shit, I'm getting soft.

Duit itu syaitan dan pembunuh tapi ada exception...

People would kill and betray for money...

You need money, I need money especially if we don't have any.

Aku boleh kata bahawa duit itu bukan kawan yang baik, its a friend but not a good friend. A good friend will stay with you through thick and thin. If you are fucking poor, you don't have any fucking money do you?

Jadi duit itu syaitan dan pembunuh oh not forgetting the biggest bitch those capitalists invented...

Cuma ada exception.

Untuk aku dan gitar baru, semua orang perlu tolong klik pada advertisement, I'm a little short on cash lately and I don't want to be fucking poor. I love money.

Irony bitch

"Irony always bites you in the ankle"

Aku tak ingat dari mana aku dapat quote ini and it lingers in my mind from the day I heard it until now.

Sekarang bila aku sedang bahawa that freaking irony bitch bit me on my ass.

Dulu waktu aku sekolah, aku macam budak-budak lain and that fucking maths subject made my life a living hell during school time. I mean maths, she kept turning me down.

Rejection that's the word.

Aku tak pernah dapat A untuk maths, you know what I mean.

But now,

I am a temp teacher, aku masuk kelas dengan hanya membawa sebatang marker pen.

And yeah I teach mathematics.

You see what I mean? Irony always bites me in the ass...

Its here and its hiding somewhere

Dua atau tiga bulan lepas, while I was sitting alone enjoying my cup of coffee somewhere in Damansara. Tiba-tiba seorang perempuan datang pada aku. She said, she know me from somewhere. So she mentioned about the blog, yeah she's a reader.

You see I'm getting famous and soon I'll have my own groupies. Just kidding.

So she joined me and we talked about stuff, about life, about writings, music and all of a sudden she asked me:

Girl: "What is true love?"

Terus-terang otak aku tak bersedia untuk jawab soalan-soalan ini. Stoic terus melanda bila wujud that fucking love word. But one way or another, I have to come up with an answer be it sensible or not so brace yourselves.

Me: "Well because you are asking me then I would say, true love is something complicated. You see at first you'll feel it in your pants and if you are lucky, you might carry it with you for 9 months".

She got the joke... And its just another way of saying that I don't know what true love is.

Its a warning but I don't give a damn

Yesterday, some guy called me, someone's boyfriend I guess.

Mad Guy (MG): "Hello, Zulkarnain?"

Me: "Yeah speaking"

MG: "I just want to tell you to stay away from my girl if you don't want anything bad to happen to you"

Me: "Chill, I don't even know you and you girlfriend"

Jadi lelaki itu beritahu siapa teman wanita dia and cursed me and stuff. Yeah she is a friend of mine, jadi memandangkan dia approach aku in a very rude way I just need to find a way to get back at him.

Me: "Okay now I understand, its okay if you don't want me to be friends with her, after all we did the whole Kamasutra book three times. So I guess it's ok".

MG: "Fuck you"

Me: "Yeah of course she did"

He really should've talked to me nicely...

Fondness...

This is what I fancy now, kawan aku kata:

"So not! Salah fetish ke apa?". Yeah a guy friend of mine jadi maafkan dia

I think girls with braces are both hot and cute...

Tapi aku tak maksudkan yang perempuan tu perlu pakai braces untuk jadi comel, you know girls in that kind of circumstances are just so cute, especially when they talk.

Anyone?

Baby geniuses

Hidup aku dikelilingi oleh perempuan-perempuan yang pandai. Yeah they are fucking smart, tapi itu dulu. Sekarang semuanya sedang sibuk hidup di luar negara. Fucking smart girls love to study abroad dan tinggalkan aku seorang diri di Malaysia. So now no more smart girls around me atau ada tapi kurang.

So today after I had a late breakfast with my family, a friend of mine picked me up. Dia ajak aku pergi survey rumah dengan dia.

She is moving out of her parents house, katanya its a way to set herself free. Kononnya supaya dia kurang memberontak, kurang terkongkong, kurang ajar and what not. Aku turutkan.

Hari ini life is not on my side. My body is not on my side until now. Aku kata pada dia:

"I don't know what is it with me today. I don't feel right in my stomach, migraine, I feel like puking"

Sambil dia memandu dia pandang aku dan senyum and get her eyes back on the road. I know that smile. For the last four years aku berkawan dengan dia, aku tak suka kalau dia senyum begitu even if she is naked, I still don't like that smile.

Dia kata pada aku:

"Well I know what is wrong with you. You are cranky lately, not feeling well and rasa nak muntah kan?"

"Yeah, exactly"

Sambil dia senyum dia kata:

"I think you are pregnant, that explains all the problems that you are having"

You see? Isn't she smart and full of crap?

Now I need to go through my phone book and find the mother of this child.

I don't really have a reason for this...

Life is all about reasons, or that's what they say or that's what you think. Having reasons for this and that, everything happens for a reason?

What if something happens for no reason or everything happens for no reason?

Macam-mana kalau semua benda yang jadi dalam hidup ini kebetulan dan tiada sebab?

What if I say "I love you" to a girl yeah, love a girl without a reason?

Seorang perempuan bertanya kepada aku:

Girl: "Apa dah jadi dengan your blog?"

Aku: "Nothing, I just feel like doing revolution for myself and my blog"

Girl: "But why?"

Aku: "For no reason..."

Dan dia keluarkan the old cliche,

Girl: "Oh come on, everything happens for a reason, there must be a reason at least, for this. All this."

Aku: "No you are wrong, something just happen without any reason".

Tak setuju?

Just look at Adam and Eve, God told them that they can't eat the Forbidden Fruit, but God didn't tell them why. Oh at least that's what I know.

So they ate it and got kicked out from heaven.

For no reason just don't eat it, if you look at it from my perspective.

Post-Hiatus

Dalam hidup kita akan belajar banyak benda. I don't know about you guys, I still find that life is a very big classroom and I learned a lot from it and still have a lot to learn.

I'm writing this while enjoying my tea. This is the third cup, sambil ditemani teko berasap.

Sekarang cawan keempat.

After a while aku berada dalam keadaan statik, tidak menulis. Well yeah not writing doesn't mean that I'm not thinking. I was thinking but wasn't thinking straight dan sekarang aku dapat habit lama aku semula, drinking tea while writing. Stylish huh?

Apa yang aku belajar semasa dalam hiatus yang singkat itu ialah, aku sayangkan blog ini but not the stupid content. I grew up with this blog, aku boleh nampak perbezaan diri aku dari awal aku menulis sehingga sekarang.

Tapi aku rasa benci bila lihat benda-benda bodoh dan tak sepatutnya terjadi dalam hidup aku dari pertengahan tahun lepas hingga awal tahun ini. Jadi aku padam, dari tatapan umum tapi aku simpan untuk tatapan sendiri. Sebagai peringatan, betapa bodoh diri ini untuk menulis benda-benda bodoh (sekurang-kurangnya pada aku).

Atau

Aku hanya dalam enigmatic state dan mencari alasan untuk sembunyikan kebingungan itu?

You see what I mean? Losing your soul and have 49% of it back now is not that easy. Sekarang aku hilang lagi 51% jiwa, perlu cari jiwa baru yang kurang bangsat.

Tadi aku ketawa, agak marah, hampir memangis dan termakan racun sendiri. I read my own words.

Now for old time's sake and because I need the advertisement money to buy a new guitar, I'm republishing some of my writings (edited) from the old The Living Chapter sehingga The Plain Melayu. So you guys would have to help me by clicking, jangan risau kau tak akan jadi tua kalau click.

Aku tahu tak ada siapa kisah nak baca, I don't give a damn.

Now I'm writing for my own satisfaction dan orang lain yang mahu sama-sama berpuas hati dengan aku. Yang lain boleh pergi mati...

Kau nak pergi mati? Tak mahu, jadi mari sama-sama puaskan hati dengan aku.

Oh shit, I just drank out of an empty cup.

Nombor satu

Mungkin aku tidak boleh berada dalam hiatus begitu lama. I don't really have the talent to do that. Ini buktinya.

Jiwa aku mati beberapa hari lepas, aku tanam dibelakang rumah kau, ya kau yang membaca. Sekarang aku ada dua jiwa yang terkubur. Satu mati bunuh diri dan lagi satu, mati dibunuh...

Sudah sampai masanya aku buka buku baru atau mungkin muka surat baru dalam buku yang sama.

Aku sayangkan blog ini, that's the least I could say about it.

Lagipun malam tadi ada seorang perempuan jumpa aku dan pujuk aku untuk kembali menulis. Walaupun aku bukan seorang penulis terkenal tapi dia sanggup buat begitu.

Terima kasih perempuan.

Of course itu cuma dalam mimpi...

Petak satu

Ini revolusi terbesar.

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Start fresh from square one ok?

Mencari

Alasan untuk tidak menulis?

Sikit saja lagi. Sabar.

Hiatus

I just need a long break from life...